Sorry for the lack of posts. It's been an unbelievably bad week and I'm not sure when I'll be back to regular blogging. In the meantime, here's a few random links:
Carrie Brownstein's blog over on NPR? 'Tis good, 'tis. I recommend her recent post on basement shows, fire safety and what point it's no longer appropriate to attend such things.
So here I sit, wedged somewhere between a roaring fire, a Christmas tree and a puppy that's trying to chew a bone, chase down the family cat and sneak a sip of my eggnog simultaneously. She's quite the multitasker.
Anyway, here's a collection of links that are currently helping me celebrate the 2007th (or so) birthday of Mr. Christ.
The Mercury's cover story ranking the laps of various mall Santas around Portland? Way funnier than Willamette Week's current cover on a bizarre mother/daughter double-suicide. Sheesh, what's next? A big-budget film adaptation of Sweeny Todd released in theaters four days before Christmas? Oh, wait...
What does Santacon look like in New York City? "P. Dgy" has a full report over at podger.net.
Another Christmas, another batch of photos of terrified kids sitting on Santa's lap brought to us by the good folks at the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. Their collection currently stands at 212 shots. That's a lot of childhood trauma.
Here's a rundown on 30 years worth of LucasFilm Christmas cards. I like 1986's myself. It's got Ewoks.
So this is Halloween and what have you done? Another year older and a new one, uh, er, ummm...ok, so the lyrics don't translate to other holidays. Here's a few Halloween-related links:
I was nearly thrown out of bed, Mercury writer Jennifer Furniss had her arm groped but this guy wasn't hassled at all by Sam or Rose after paying $29 to tour the White Eagle and other haunts around Portland. He's a wee bit pissed about the whole thing and you can read about it in this week's WW.
I once read a dissertation someone had written on the Great Pumpkin. Unfortunately, it's no longer online but this short article pretty much covers the bases.
I wish I had the guts to go trick or treating in a cut-out Admiral Ackbar mask. While that sort of thing might not fly on the westside, I'm sure full-grown NoPoSoBelHawDivision-ites do it every year across the river.
I've seen white, green and the more traditional orange varieties of pumpkins for sale in Portland but where are the blue ones? I've also heard tales of purple pumpkins but, as far as I know, you can't buy one west of the Rockies.
FYI: It's Rob Schneider's birthday. Also celebrating birthdays today: Peter Jackson, Bryan Doyle-Murray and John Candy's ghost.
It's good to know that someone else out there has the same reverence For The Halloween That Almost Wasn't that I do. I'm pretty sure the long lost Halloween special has been completely forgotten by everyone in the world but me, the author of this article and, maybe, Judd Hirsch.
All things considered, I'd much rather be in Tiller right now.
Hookah bars around town are becoming a problem. Why? Because they're not very good at checking IDs. Enjoy the cancer-causing fun while you still can, kids.
It may just be lip service but Matt Groening is at least willing to pretend he's upset that the premiere of The Simpsons Movie wasn't held in Oregon's Springfield.
If N. Interstate becomes Cesar E Chavez Boulevard, does this mean that SE Clinton stands a chance of one day turning into Jerry Garcia Ave? Another interesting bit of news and speculation via Metroblogging Portland: the Jantzen Beach mall may not be long for this world.
I'd enjoy the Oregon Brewers Fest a whole lot more if I didn't have to pay for a $4 mug at the door or run into any of these nine types of fest-goers.
The cover of Willamette Week's "Best of Portland" issue looks a lot like the cover of Portland Monthly's "Best of the City issue. Which came first? For what it's worth, WW has been doing this sort of thing a few decades longer than PM. Meanwhile, it looks like the Portland Mercury has decided to skew serious for their annual "Best of..." parody issue.
Think you’re a Star Wars fan? Do you hate everything about the series except for The Empire Strikes Back? If not, then you're not a true Star Wars fan. Click here for an explanation.
If this feline was a band, he’d be Death Cat for Cutie.
Stand By Me seems like a weird movie to center a civic event around, especially when a pie eating contest is scheduled. The organizers are also planning a "find the body" scavenger hunt. Read more here. It's all going down in Brownsville this Saturday.
This long, rambling interview with Matt Groening that appeared in last week’s edition of LA Weekly is a good read.
It's been a red letter day over at my homestead. The cooler is gone and a pair of queen yellowjackets that have spent the last week terrorizing my gutters with their endless nest-making have been tracked down and eradicated. The first with an old can of Raid, the second by the awesome might of a Birkenstock after making the mistake of landing on the porch. With the threat of hundreds of yellowjackets taking over my yard eradicated for the time being, it's Miller/Random Link Time.
I wasn't at the Sasquatch Festival this year but plenty of those that were filmed some of the performances. Sure, their footage is herky-jerky but I guess it beats a five hour drive and $70+ per day tickets.
Now that they've learned to swim, what will be their next move? World domination or relocating to Ohio so they can have ponderous discussions with small children? WARNING: the totally awesome tiger pics included in that link may be entirely too totally awesome for the majority of this blog's readers.
Speaking of tigers, R.I.P. old Hungry Tiger building.
Does Portland need any more red light cameras or the $245 traffic tickets they crank out? No, no it doesn't. Getting pulled over by a real, live cop is one thing, getting hassled by Big Brother is another.
The city's latest version of the sit/lie ordinance won't impact street musicians like that guy with the white tuxedo and Goofy hat that plays outside of Powells on the weekends. But what if the city's homeless population gets its hands of a whole lot of kazoos?
Coney Island's Astroland amusement park may soon close its doors and auction off all of its rides. The Wonder Wheel, featured in the opening credits of The Warriors, would look great in my backyard. The only thing standing between me and making this dream a reality: oh, about $10 million bucks or so.
Finally, what's creepier, this clip from a weird '70s horror movie, this Japanese ad for beer suitable for kids or the following Paul McCartney video co-starring Natalie Portman as a ghost hellbent on trashing his house and stealing his mandolin?
I've always wondered what it would have been like to have seen Star Wars in a movie theater 30 years ago today when it first opened. I grew up with it instead so I'll never fully understand how big of a deal it was. Practically since birth, I've known Vader was Luke's father and that it's completely practical to run off with a delusional old man bearing dangerous weapons after your adopted parents are murdered under mysterious circumstances.
Awwww, original trilogy. I still love ya', regardless of all that BS George Lucas would cough-up a quarter of a century later. Happy birthday, little-sci-fi-movie-that-would-go-on-to-spawn-a-multi-billion-dollar-franchise-that-dominated-a-good portion-of-my-childhood. Now that you're 30, it's time for you to get a real job and a mortgage, you lazy bum!
With that out of the way, here's another batch of random links:
I really wish I had thought of this first. LOLZ!!!1!
Now even CNN is criticizing MetroFi. I'm typing this up at one of the Blue Moon's outside tables near an access point. Their service isn't even registering when I search for nearby wireless networks. Four other unsecured networks though? Right there, ripe for the plucking. MetroFi's expanding into Hillsdale but it still can't a lock down on NW 21st and Glisan? Weak.
First comes Silver Surfer quarters, next comes billboards for Live Free or Die Hard on the White House lawn. Say, I don't know if I would be entirely opposed to that idea.
Sure, cocaine's back but no He-Man or Jello Pudding Pops?
Last week, developers revealed what's in store for the block that currently houses the Virginia Cafe. I'm not sure when but, eventually, the historic bar will be replaced with a 418 foot tall office/condo tower pictured in a conceptual image here. All things considered, I'd rather keep the Virginia Cafe, warts and all. These days downtown could use a few more places to get a drink than pay an arm and a leg for office space.
There's been a good amount of press and grumbling over the changes that are in store for downtown in the coming years. Last week, WW ran a cover story on the backroom deals that will eventually lead to the demolition of the Jefferson Theater porn house. Is downtown becoming a haven for yuppie retirees, a soulless extension of the Pearl District and the South Waterfront? Yeah, probably. Mark my words, once the bus mall reopens, civic planners, shop owners and editorialists alike will be scratching their heads, wondering "why don't people go downtown anymore?" Well, it'll be because no one who makes under $500k a year will be able to drink, eat, shop or, in the case of the Jefferson, jerk off in the heart of PDX anymore. Still, I don't think we'll be seeing any "Keep Downtown Cheap Enough for Middle and Lower Class Pervs" bumperstickers anytime soon.
After years of hearing about this game and keeping an eye out for it in stores around town, I finally got around to tracking down a copy online. It's supposedly one of the weirdest titles ever made. Here's hoping it will be compatible with the edition of XP running on my laptop.
The Smashing Pumpkins are getting back together but without James Iha or D'arcy, who reportedly keeps busy these days by running a horse farm and a few antiques shops in Michigan. The first single from the "band's" new album, along with cover art, is now up online. The song isn't half bad, in a guilty pleasure, Siamese Dream-throwback kinda way.
I think Shrek is lame and I hope his new movie bombs. There, I said it. Tbbbbbbbt! And the critics, for the most part, seem to agree. Looks like it pulled in $38 million at the box office yesterday alone. Lousy, unfunny ogre...
I've been getting lots of calls from 503-257-1466, sometimes two a day. At first I thought it might be my first stalker (!!!). But, alas, it's some sort of promotional scam orchestrated by a company back east. You can read more about the whole thing here..
Les Schwab died yesterday at the age of 89. Long live Les Schwab! May your legacy of free beef, amphitheaters, quality tires, high school sports invitationals and excellent customer service ring on for centuries to come. Good night, sweet tire tycoon.
All together now, "When you're in the Northwest you're in Les Schwab country, quality tires at a low, low price!"
I have just one question: where's Children's Day? Oh, that's right. There *is* a Children's Day but it's celebrated just about everywhere but the United States.
Is this fair?
Nope.
Should every child, young and old, refuse to celebrate Mother's Day in order to finally shine a light on this glaring oversight? Where's our brunch, people? Where's our awkward phone calls and last-minute Hallmark cards? Huh? Huh?
Anyway, here's another batch of random links:
$665 million for a statewide emergency radio station? That money could be better spent on a bottle of whiskey for every man, woman and child in Oregon. If we're ever hit by a disaster severe enough to knock out communication statewide, which would you rather have by your side? A broadcast telling you we're all screwed or a fifth of Jack Daniels?
I think I'd rather eat a deep-friend Twinkie, honestly, than one of these.
Is this a grim portent of Portland's future? If so, this place is starting look worse than that alternate Hill Valley in Back to the Future Part 2. I mean, at least the middle class can afford to live and play in an urban war zone.
What would happen if Bruce Willis decided to show up semi-randomly on a message board overloaded with cranky film geeks to defend the next Die Hard movie? Click here to find out.
Here's a link to a blog post that offers a rundown on the greatest long tracking shots in cinema history, complete with clips. Those awesome shots from Children of Men come in somewhere in the middle.
Here's a great news story to bring up when you're eating brunch with your mother on Sunday.
I thought about doing away with these random link posts but I can't resist their siren's call. For the time being, they'll continue to run every Friday.
His movie opened in stateside theaters today but things are looking kinda shaky for ol' Spidey. The reviews for Spiderman 3 are the worst of the trilogy and my "contacts" in Asia, where it was released earlier in the week, say it outright sucks. A colleague living and working in Thailand described Revenge of the Symbiote, the international title for the movie in that neck of the world, as "lame-o." Another in Japan, well, click here. Despite their best efforts to warn me, I'll be front row center tomorrow night at the IMAX theater at Bridgeport (tonight's showings are already sold out, dammit).
Anyway, here's another round of random links:
This first one is for any former members of the "Goose Hollow fellowship," now scattered throughout the world, that might be reading this. Remember Phil Busse? He no longer works for the Mercury but he's still around town. You may be interested to know he was mugged outside of the Amnesia Brewing a few weeks ago but chased the guy off, despite having a gun pointed at his chest. He wrote about the experience over here. As you might imagine, their Letters to the Editor page was pretty interesting last week.
On Wednesday, Portland was hit by a series of hail/thunder storms. As I was driving home, the suburbs looked like the first act of the rapture. The sky was pink with black clouds, lightening could be spotted on the horizon, hail was raining down and a gigantic rainbow, more vibrant than any I think I've ever seen, stretched across the rolling prairies of Beaverton's car lots. This video from earlier in the day over on the Oregonian's site isn't quite that exciting but it does offer shots of the marble-sized hailstones that attacked the city.
If you're going out for tequila and tomfoolery tomorrow night, take some time to learn about what it is you're celebrating. There will be a quiz. OK, there won't but, whatever you do, don't go around saying Cinco de Mayo is Mexico's Independence Day.
Brandon Roy? Rookie of the Year? Eh, after another lackluster season it's better than nothing.
I, for one, miss the beaver. That new header is craptacular, guys. Endlessly linking to your blog has lost a lot of its luster in the last week. I blame a substantial lack of the beaver. I guess this makes me a beaver believer.
A reader named Kim would like you to watch this video and dares you to make it all the way to the end.
Oh Dog, You Sleuth! recently returned to Portland from NYC and took photos at a bunch of odd tourist attractions along the way. Here's a link to a Flickr gallery of shots, including ones taken at the incredibly creepy/cool "House on the Rock." We're talking about carpets on the ceilings, horror movie lighting and a room covered from floor to ceiling with organ keys.
Does Portland need a gigantic museum/aircraft carrier indefinitely plopped in the middle of the Willamette River? Yes, yes it does...or at least it does more so than a couplet on Burnside and Couch.
So PETA may get the spoils of the Schmauchers' collapse (i.e., a primo storefront downtown)? To the victor go the spoils, I suppose. I'll be spending the weekend harassing yuppies outside of the Chart House. Once I run the owners out of business? Four words: martini bar/video arcade.
The Flaming Lips recorded a song for the Spiderman 3 soundtrack. Survey says...it's not so good but it does include numerous shout-outs to Muhammad Ali. Judge for yourself. Click here to listen.
Remember, while Spider-Man may be whiny and neurotic, as least he isn't a dick.
This may be Welcome to Blog's last edition of "Random Links," a weekly post that appears here every Friday and assembles local news stories and, well, random links. A few readers have told me that it always "runs too long." Others have suggested that I break the post up into a series of smaller posts throughout the week rather than dumping them all together on Fridays. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, feel free to drop them in the comments section below or fire off an email to me at welcometoblog@gmail.com. Thanks.
Now, random links...
The Local Story of the Week: last night, a group of "anarchist types" (or maybe they were "fratboy types," according to another report) butted heads with police over on NE Alberta during the district's monthly "Last Thursday" event. Apparently, the whole thing began with a fist fight. An officer that responded left a tazer on the ground and someone in the crowd made the not-so wise decision to pick it up. Then things got interesting. Click the links above for the rest of the story.
Hmmm...it's been, what, five years since the gubiment tried to push through a sales tax in Oregon? That must mean that it's time for Oregon lawmakers to try again. I guess we're in for another few months of ranting and raving before the idea is shot down for the tenth time (at least) in Oregon's history. The only way I can see taxpayers going for this is if the legislature were willing to get rid of the state income tax entirely. A mere reduction isn't going to cut it. How many times do we have to say "no thanks," people?
The Pearl District is apparently the sixth "most bloggiest" neighborhood in the country. Who knew that martini bars, condo towers and doggy day care centers were such good muses?
Once and forever hometown literary hero Chuck Palahniuk's next novel, Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey sounds like a Fight Club retread. "Motriarty" over at Ain't It Cool News says otherwise. It's due in bookstores on May 1st.
The bars featured in Death Proof, Quentin Tarantino's half of Grindhouse, are real, operating establishments in Austin (link one, link two). I figured they were movie sets. I doubt you'll find leggy disc jockeys or homicidal stuntmen smoking pot on the back porch at the Texas Chili Parlor though.
This link is for "Danimal." Only he gets to click on it. As for the rest of you, keep reading.
A blog post that consists of nothing more than dozens and dozens of "Scratch and Sniff" stickers from the '70s and '80s? Sure, why not.
Sure, the top hits at the box office are making major bank now but will anyone care about them in five to ten years? Probably not. Wild Hogs, your long-term future is about as bright as a mediocre high school quarterback that's been sleeping through math class.
The folks behind the Consumerist have clearly never had the misfortune of working in the customer service industry. Fortunately, they're good sports about letting those that do post rebuttals on their blog.
If you don't want people staring into your backyard as they ride the OHSU tram, this might not be the best way to discourage their wandering eyes. I can sympathize though. An unedited photo? Click here for that.
When I first saw the picture that accompanies this article, I thought the whole thing might be part of an incredibly cruel practical joke.
Bleah. Another sunny Friday on the heels of a week of miserable weather and I'm stuck in a cubicle instead of running around outdoors. To those of you celebrating or fortunate to be outside right now, have yourself a merry little holiday centered around heavy marijuana consumption.
Last Tuesday, Phil Stanford wrote a column about Portland's ongoing gallery of pricey, misguided civic improvements. The comments section accompanying the post quickly turned into a "heated discussion" and/or a "good ol' internet pissing match." Yeah, I was kinda, sorta one of the participants. His latest column in today's Portland Tribune calls out one of us for ruffling his feathers.
A huge problem facing Portland's dining establishments: "grupsters," yuppies and their reluctance to control their annoying offspring. On a recent sunny day, I was sitting out on the porch at the Goose Hollow when a group of four super-hip parents, all in their mid-30s, showed up dressed like they just stepped out of an ad for Threadless. With kids in tow, they launched a full-scale invasion of the porch, talking loudly about how the place was "owned by former mayor Vera Katz" (wrong!) while their moppets ran around screaming. Kai over at Metroblogging Portland has more on the phenomenon. If you head over there, be sure to check out the reader responses.
Thanks, Cho Seung-Hui. Not only did you kill dozens of people and traumatize untold amounts of others, the rest of us are going to have to listen to months of pundits, parents, officials and other reactionaries complain about and freak out over violent movies, video games and Hot Topic accessories. Why can't deranged mass-murderers ever obsess over, say, Failure to Launch instead of something like Oldboy? Just once I'd like to see a talking head point fingers at Sara Jessica Parker and/or Matthew McConaughey.
I guess it's only a matter of time until these restaurants start showing up here in the US. I wonder if they'll go over though. I don't know about you but I don't consider more than 10 minutes on the toilet to be an experience worth paying for.
And so ends another sub-mediocre Blazers season filled with drama and run-ins with the police but nary a playoff game. The future? It's either bright or dark, depending on who you ask.
Click here for a list of 60 things worth shortening your life for. How many of them have I done? I'd love to tell you but my mother knows about this blog. Hi, Mom!
Here's a blog devoted to restaurant logos of animals hurting themselves to put meat on customer's plates. I think the Blogosphere has finally run out of stuff to talk about. Alas, poor Clucky, we hardly knew ye...
Why the superstitions surrounding Fridays that fall on the 13th? As Garfield the cat once pointed out, Monday the 13th seems much more worthy of fear and disdain. Wikipeida, always the go-to for this sort of thing, offers a few theories.
With that out of the way, here's another round of random links:
Now that bad, ol' Don Imus has been put out to pasture, will everyone start lambasting rappers and the Bush administration for worse faux pas? Possibly, maybe, but probably not. In related news, this couch's radio days are so over.
I wonder if local business owners would be more or less upset if the recent rise in graffiti looked more like the stuff in Amsterdam. Link via Numine.
So the Beastie Boys did perform at Wieden+Kennedy's 25th anniversary shindig last week. Click here for pics.
I drive a Camry. I can see myself doing the same thing someday.
An official song for Portland? Since Jack White and Loretta Lynn's "Portland, Oregon" won't make the cut, do we hafta'?
"Wanted: A Future Without Worry." Me too, Tyler, me too. A piece of advice: if you don't have any serious job prospects, avoid adulthood as long as you can. Stay in college forever!
Another slice of Portland that makes this city so unique and/or "weird," is destined to bite the dust sooner than later. Lousy, PGE Park management. You should be encouraging fans to come down there, not discouraging. In the words of the Timbers army, "fuck you, asshole[s]!"
Good vs. Evil foosball tables? Yes, I'll take one. Oh, wait, no place to put it. Nevermind.
Finally, the following has traveled all over the internet today and who am I to decline the opportunity to further perpetuate low-budget depictions of death and mayhem? Please, enjoy.
Random Links: More Chocolate Bunnies, Please Edition
It's Good Friday and Easter is but two days away. That means it's time to celebrate the resurrection of (some people's) Lord and Savior with colored eggs and chocolate shaped like shiny, happy, anthropomorphic rabbits. Why? Well, didn't you catch this week's episode of South Park? It explains it all for you.
Anyway, since it's Friday, here's another round of random links:
The Beasite Boys may or may not be performing at a private Wieden+Kennedy function tonight over on N. Mississippi. If 50 Cent really played a gig at a Bat Mitzvah in 2005, I can believe it.
Is "My Sweet Lord" really that much more offensive than the chocolate crosses you can find for sale in every, single grocery store in this country right now for $2? Nope. At least no one was planning on eating that anatomically-correct choco-Jesus in NYC. Plus, aren't Christian into that whole "eating the body of Christ" thing? One believer's piece of stale bread is another's candy messiah.
Would I visit a 7-11 temporarily converted into a Kwik-E-Mart that sells products featured on The Simpsons? For the opportunity to double-fist a Squishee and a can of Duff Beer? You bet I would! If Oregon doesn't land the movie premiere, the least Fox and 7-11 can do is toss us a Kwik-E-Mart or two.
Click here for anti-hipster graffiti spotted over in NW.
Sorry, Mr. Orwell. At least the powers-that-be put it all off off for a few decades.
Even if Keith Richards didn't snort his father's ashes, we're going to be hearing about it for years. Does this top the Led Zeppelin/Seattle/mud shark incident? Eh....ummmm....hmmmm....no? Regardless, I think this is the last urban legend we're going to get out of the giants of '70s rock. Thanks, Keith!
$3.00 or more for a gallon of gas? Again? Didn't we drop billions in Irag so we could avoid this sort of thing? Booooo!
Five years ago, Damon Stoudamire and Rasheed Wallace recorded a "Rip City Rhapsody"-esque track back when the Blazers still had a shot at making the playoffs. I did not know that. Click here to listen.
Oregon has an official state Easter Egg and it's on display at the White House? I didn't know that either.
The War on Easter ended sometime last year. Or at least its blog hasn't been updated since then. Whew. On the other hand, the fliers could still be circulating...
And, as usual, all week the weather was cold and damp here in the City of Roses. Yesterday was nice though.
Yep.
Anyway, it's Friday so that means it's time for another round of random links...
These days graffiti is all over the place in Portland and it isn't the cool kind with bubble letters. Instead, the city's blank walls are quickly being covered by quickly scribbled tags. My solution? Another sequel to Jet Set Radio. That should keep 'em busy.
GI Joe's is switching its name to Joe's this weekend. What, have the Feds stripped the local emporium's rank as a "real American hero"? "dieselboi" over at Metroblogging Portland posted this tribute a few days ago.
No more trans fats at PGE Park? Why the rush to slim down the butts of minor-league sports fans? It's not like the troubled venue needs to make more room in the stands.
Word out on the street: the Paris Theater may return to its roots as a porno house. Wait, it's 2007, not 1977, right? Given the advent of the internet and Cinemax, is there still a customer base for this sort of thing? Eh, the Pearlies aren't gonna like this.
Portland's Personal Telco Project to Metro-Fi: you suck. I concur.
O'Reilly got his facts wrong during his recent segment on last week's anarchist shindig. According to another rumor spreading around the internet, one of the protesters pooped on an American flag. Really? With a line of cops standing watch, I doubt this happened. A few of them got a face full of pepper spray for less than that as they passed by Schmaucher Furs. By the time anyone would have dropped their pants, they would have no doubt been arrested for public indecency/defecation/something like that. Still, this site claims to have evidence and an editorial from the Portland Tribune backs it up. I'm at work, which means I can't click through for obvious reasons (not that I would really want to). Looking for confirmation? Feel free to click away. God bless Portland.
Did Spring Break come a week late this year or is it just me? I thought it always fell on the third week in March. Anyway, here's another round of random links:
Some people call it "Spring Break," Zach Randolph calls it's "bereavement leave." Read more here.
Last week, someone at the Crystal Ballroom stole Modest Mouse frontman Isaac Brock's lucky hat. This week, he flipped out during a show in South Dakota and attacked himself with a knife. Coincidence? Or was his latest bout with self-destruction caused by this monstrosity? It's all Paula Abdul's fault, I know it.
The author of Phooeyhoo, an old friend of mine, spent part of his winter break in Vietnam. He returned with photos and a word to the wise: don't ever try to cross a street in Hanoi.
BREAKING NEWS: If you stand hang around at a local anti-war rally holding a "Osama loves PDX liberals" sign, people will call you names.
I passed by Printing Press Park over the weekend and found myself thinking, "Huh? What?" Reid over at Metroblogging Portland dished out some context in this recent post.
It is my dream that, someday, I'll write an office memo so terrible it will be made fun of by a writer at Slate. After all, everybody's gotta have goals.
Click here for "Rejected Pretexts for [a] War in Iran." If the administration breaks out a "duckling suicide bombers" threat, they may just sell the public on another one of these quagmires.
Like many people, every time I pass the abandoned Portland Gas and Coke Company building I think to myself, "Say, that would make a great McMenamins." Here's at least one reason why that won't ever happen: the land it sits on is an environmental catastrophe.
Coming to the Portland metropolitan area in 2008: a Renaissance Fair. Unlike Reed's annual "Renn Fayre," all the geeks at this one will probably keep their clothes on.
Random Links: "Everyone's Irish on St. Patrick's Day" Edition
Last summer a colleague of mine was killing time on the streets of Nagoya, Japan when he wandered into an establishment with an "Ilish Pub" sign over the doorway. Unable to speak the language, he was unable to communicate with the bartender, who seemed eager for him to leave. Figuring it was a "locals only" joint, he headed for the exit where a hostess stopped him. Overhearing his British accent, she explained in English that the pub was still a day away from its grand opening. But since he was obviously a citizen of the Emerald Isle, they were willing to serve him in exchange for a critique. They plowed him full of free food and Guinness and, from what I've been told, the decor and the food were on the money. Despite his true heritage, he gave them a good review and a few pointers but didn't have the heart to tell them about the typo on the sign out front.
This leaves me to wonder about all the Kanji tattoos I see around Portland. While Mr. Random Bishops Barbershop Employee may think that symbol on his right arm means "wind," there's a good chance that it actually means "fart."
Yes, that's two fart jokes in the space of 24 hours. Tim, if you're out there reading this, sorry. Anyway, here's a batch of random links followed by a second round of random, holiday-related links.
Click here for further confirmation that Metro-Fi, Portland's free wireless service, completely sucks.
The Music Millennium location on NW 23rd is on the ropes, another soon-to-victim of an increasing monthly rent and a changing marketplace. While there's probably no way for the staff to distribute mp3s, they might make a go of it if they start selling overpriced art, accessories for tiny dogs, Zantac or whatever else all those nearby condo owners are into these days.
This Sunday: a full-scale anti-war protest hits the streets of downtown Portland. Ahhh, that takes me back to the woebegone days of spring 2003. We were so innocent back then. Remember when most of the country was duped into thinking Saddam was hoarding WMDs? Those were the days...
Steampunk Star Wars? Click here. That 19th-century Death Star looks sweet.
This Mario? A vast improvement over your average snow angel.
Disneyland Paris now has its own brand on wine. I'm sure Uncle Walt would approve.
Would you like to watch Las Vegas' Stardust Hotel and Casino implode? If so, click here.
A UFO has been spotted over Portland. Then again, it's probably just Venus.
Sleater-Kinney broke up last summer and now former lead-singer Corin Tucker is playing grade school cafeterias. The music business really is a "horrible bitch goddess."
Captain Kara 'Starbuck' Thrace (Katee Sackhoff) was born in Portland was raised in St. Helens. I did not know that.
St. Patrick's Day links? St Patrick's Day links....
Post-glacial Ireland has never been home to many snakes but St. Patrick still deserves credit credit for driving Druids out of the country. He was also supposedly born in Britain.
As part of its annual festivities, Chicago will by dyeing its river green again this year. Now if only City Hall in Portland could figure out how to dye the Willamette orange every Halloween, that would really be something.
A recipe for green beer: buy a light-colored ale, add six drops of green dye, enjoy. Hey, that was easy.
If you watch this web camera long enough, a leprechaun may or may not show up (heavy drinking and sleep deprivation might help). Or you may have better luck at the Mill Ends Park on SW Naito Parkway, which was scheduled to return its proper location today after road construction forced it to temporarily relocate elsewhere.
Click here for "The Case Against St. Patrick's Day" (?!!).
This St. Patrick's Day, consider making yourself a "Mickican," the only beer concoction suitable for both this holiday and Cinco de Mayo.
He died ten years ago today, don'cha know. Let's pause for a moment of silence...
...
...ok, now for something(s) completely different.
The Host, a Korean horror movie with (supposedly) anti-American themes, opened in Portland theaters today. The film harkens back to an era when political fears were jammed into horror films. So if a film along these lines were to be filmed in Portland, what might it look like? Jack Bog has an idea. For the other side of the coin, click here to read a blog post titled "Confessions of an Empty Nester."
Some might call this cute. Others, terrifying. I think it's both.
It was inevitable that someone was going to get around to forming a religion based on The Big Lebowski. And here it is. In 50 years this could be the next Church of Scientology but without all the Best Buy outfits, indentured servitude, aliens, celebrity worship, etc.
Click here to see the winning entry in the Decemberists' "reanimation" contest.
Springfield, OR. is hoping to land the premiere of The Simpsons Movie but it will have to compete will all the other Springfields across America. The first step in the process will be for the local Chamber of Commerce to put together a promotional video extolling the city's not-so-bustling splendor. What, er, springs to mind when you think of Springfield? Kip Kinkel? Half-empty strip malls? Meth? Good luck, guys.
In Portland the last week in February typically brings with it a few days of unusually warm weather. It's a brief respite from the months of rain and darkness that we call winter around here. Instead of that, this year we received a week of wind and rain mixed with snow. I don't know about you but my Seasonal Affective Disorder is going full throttle. It's time to bask in the warm glow of random links (and rum).
As at least one local parent learned last weekend, it's not a good idea to bug TriMet drivers, especially when you're trying to use their work space to change a dirty diaper. When they say "no," they mean it.
Click here if you're looking to spend at least ten minutes staring at strange public sculptures and statues from around the globe (NSFW).
Someone had to write an obituary for KISN and it looks like Phil Stanford stepped up to the plate in the Tuesday edition of the Portland Tribune.Click here for it.
Welcome to Blog reader "PM" sent in two links earlier this week. The first leads to a fairly indispensable and nicely put together beta guide to Portland happy hours. The second will take you to a 1978 BBC documentary on Hunter S. Thompson.
Here's a pretty comprehensive guide to backmasking and hidden messages on rock albums. The ratio of satanic messages to parodies is practically 1 to 1. Myself, I'm still trying to figure out if it John Lennon said "cranberry sauce" or "I buried Paul" on "Strawberry Fields Forever."
Willamette Week has one hell of a cover story in their latest issue. Prepare to be disgusted, then click here.
First, local teens were caught "freaking." Then their parents found out about them reading smut in school libraries. Now they're running around imitating "Party Boy" from Jackass and landing themselves in juvie. Who's to blame? Probably video games. Banning toy guns will set 'em off down the right path, I'm sure.
Finally, it looks like Jack Bauer is running out of people to torture...
Random Links: "Does Anyone Actually Read These Things?" Edition
The "Random Links" feature has become a Friday tradition here on Welcome to Blog. No one reads these things but they're fun to put together. So here's another batch of lonesome links in search of loving homes. Won't you make their dreams come true by clicking on each one?
First up, an overdue thanks to Stumptown Confidential (link) and Humu Kon Tiki (link) for linking to this match-up review of the Alibi and Thatch, a new tiki bar in town. The Portland Mercury's recent review of Thatch can be found by clicking here.
Click here to view time-lapse images of arcade games from the '80s. I do believe they qualify as being "trippy."
The owners of Schumacher Furs called it quits this week. Hmmm...what controversial/irritating business should be run out of Portland next? Is there any way we could sick those protesters on Alaska Airlines? Their smug "Lewis and Clark" radio ads have been getting on my nerves for a while now.
Does Portland need its own city-themed condom? Sure, why not?
Click here for David Koenig's rant about changes that are in store for Disneyland's Tom Sawyer's Island. This spring "Imagineers" will ditch the Mark Twain theme for a Pirates of the Caribbean overhaul.
I've never said any of these eight things to a bartender but I've caught plenty of bartenders performing these faux pas (thanks, Sho).
Here's a handy chart comparing the heights of downtown Portland's skyscrapers. I always thought the "Big Pink" was the city's tallest but the Wells Fargo Center has nine feet up on it. At # 3, KOIN Center.
The Blazers win a few games, make a trade for Fred(dy) Jones and everybody's talking about them, maybe, landing the # 8 slot in the playoffs. It's their best season in years and, so far, no one on the team has been caught with ganja or mc'ing dog fights. Somewhere, Phil Jackson is quietly sobbing into a monogrammed towel.
Two links carelessly lifted from Blogtown: click here for a parody ad for those space-aged Nikes from Back to the Future Part 2 and click here for photos of "hot chicks with douchebags." "Power Laces not included"?! Lame.
Click here to read Bubbly Red Stuff's review of a recent Decemberists' show in Berlin and here for videos.
Does the world need a remake of Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach? No, no it does not. AND the new version doesn't have a guy that runs around making funny noises with his mouth?! Lame.
Finally, yet another reason why undergrads shouldn't be allowed to carry lightsabers:
