April 2011

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Thursday, February 24, 2011


Europe in Three Minutes or Less # 4:

I have no idea what to call these guys or the giant music boxes that they haul around Leiden on market days. I've dubbed them the "Hurdy Gurdy Men," even though they don't actually use hurdy-gurdies. Just roll with it.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Insert caption here?


The father of my friend Cory once worked for the PPD. That's him on the right. This photo was taken sometime in the '70s. The gent in the socks? A rather daring public masturbater who was caught in the act on what was, hopefully for him, a warm day in downtown Portland.

Cory's mother recently found this shot in her attic. It's definitely something that belongs in a family photo album.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Jerkwads at live shows: an international epidemic

I've been there before and so have you, no doubt. You're at a show, perhaps even up front a few feet from the band, when two people next to you decide to hold a conversation. They're completely oblivious to the music and, despite the fact that they're shouting to be heard, are behaving as if they're passing time in a cafe. Their motivations are unknown and their reasoning is oblique. Where are they there? Why did they pay for a ticket and all the annoying fees that go along with it just to ignore the performance? Do they really, really need to bitch about their boss rightthatbloodyminute?

Either I'm a magnet for these people or they're far more prevalent than I've previously surmised. These chatterboxes have tarnished plenty of nights at the Crystal Ballroom and the Roseland. I've stopped going to acoustic shows entirely. There's just no point.

Is this just a Portland phenomenon? Is there something about the city's venues that work like the Blarney Stone?

My conclusion: nope, nope and more nope.

This strange behavior is also a common occurrence over here in the Netherlands. The crowd at a September Josh Ritter show at the Paradiso in Amsterdam was well behaved but a group of Dutch guys were so obnoxious during an acoustic portion of Delorean's set in Haarlem earlier this month that the lead singer cut it short. Tift Merritt, a singer/songwriter who opened for Iron and Wine last Tuesday in Amsterdam, became visibly riled by talkers during her set. She complained to Samuel Beam backstage afterwards. During Iron and Wine's performance, he demanded that the crowd apologize to her. "All together now," Beam disdainfully announced. "SORRY, TIFT!" The audience begrudgingly went along with this.

That's not to say that crap behavior at shows is limited to talkers. There's also people who spill beer all over the place and those who film everything on their iPhone with the screen as bright as possible. Oh, and there's my personal favorite: sweat-soaked, overly-affectionate stoned couples who dance salaciously while obliviously bumping into everyone around them.

Which of these categories do I fall into? I'll give you three guesses.

Here's a video from Iron and Wine's stint. Please, enjoy!

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Sunday, February 20, 2011


Europe in Three Minutes or Less # 3: A Dutch Market


Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Dolorean in Haarlem

Portland band Dolorean is currently on their first European tour. I managed to catch their set at a club in Haarlem last Thursday.

No, that's not a typo. The name of the city is, indeed, "Haarlem," or so I'm told.

It was a solid set and the crowd, with the exception of two Dutch guys who would not shut-up during the acoustic numbers, was supportive. My friend Marie attended Willamette with a member of the band and she managed to talk with him a bit before they went on stage.

Between sets, I started chatting with a local promoter who is a huge fan of both American baseball and Neil Young. He had a few beers in him and was buzzing on both the brew and the music. Between sets, he told us about his goal to visit every MLB stadium in the US and the thirty times he's seen Young in concert. "I saw him do the Harvest Moon album in 1995, yes," he said. "It was a night in the summer months and the moon rose up over Neil Young. It was amazing! I say to my girlfriend, 'Look, it is a HARVEST MOON!'"

Anyway, here's the band performing "Beachcomber Blues" and dishing out some banter about ordering beers in France and English vs. Dutch:

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Monday, February 14, 2011


Europe in Three Minutes or Less # 2: Turkish Kitten Fight!

This is only the second installment in the series and I'm already resorting to adorable animal gimmicks. Anyway, here are two kittens, engaged in an epic battle in the courtyard of the Cagaloglu hamam in Istanbul, Turkey.

Cagaloglu is a famous, centuries-old steam bath that caters to celebrities. Cameron Diaz and...Larry David have visited the place. It comes highly recommended, if you're ever in the neighborhood.


Friday, February 11, 2011


In Search of the Holy Grail (of Beer)

Recently, I had the good fortune to land a pretty fantastic freelance gig. The assignment: go to Antwerp and find out what beers are currently popular among Belgians. Along with my friend Marie, I spent a weekend in the city touring pubs and drinking some of the finest brews in the world.

I consider the experience a chance of a lifetime. Here's the story, all 1900 words of it, over at The Good Life Report.

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Rebuild the wall!

I was in the eighth grade when I first heard about Pink Floyd. One afternoon in algebra class, I was sitting around with a group of my fellow students talking about music. At the time, I was big into Guns n' Roses and Z100. One kid mentioned the band and suggested that I give Dark Side of the Moon a shot. "Your parents will have a copy in their record collection. I guarantee it." He took on an aura of a monk passing down sage wisdom on a mountaintop.

Sure enough, my dad had a copy on both vinyl and CD. I remember putting it one night while I worked on my Project REACH diorama. The strange instrumental "On the Run," was like nothing I'd heard before and a far-cry from Bryan Adams' Waking Up the Neighbors, my favorite album OAT up to that point. I couldn't get enough. Within a month, I had devoured most of the band's discography and was running around school in a Wish You Were Here t-shirt.

The Wall was my favorite of the bunch and a perfect soundtrack for a moody adolescent convinced that John Lennon and Kurt Vonnegut were the most brilliant minds in human history. I desperately wished I had seen the band's disastrous 1980 tour to promote the strange concept album.

It was one part concert, one part psychedelic opera, complete with gigantic puppets, a floating pig, an exploding jet prop and a colossal wall set that was slowly constructed, brick by brick, by stagehands over the course of the first half of the show. It was too far ahead of its time and closed after a handful of costly performances.

Decades later, Pink Floyd mastermind Roger Waters opted to resurrect the show for a worldwide tour. I saw the Tacoma leg back on a rainy night last December and it was fairly mind-blowing, definitely the most elaborate concert I've ever seen. The giant puppets, the wall, the exploding plane and a revamped pig were all there, in addition to improved special effects. Roger's voice still sounded great to boot.

The best bit: the films that appeared on the wall during the show. Much of them consisted of dusted-off animations from Pink Floyd: The Wall, an impossibly depressing but rather brilliant film version of the album from 1982.

A quick plot synopsis: The Wall tells the tale of "Pink," the disillusioned lead singer of a fictional rock band. Ransacked by addiction, childhood trauma and his wife's affair with another man, he descends down a hallucinatory path of self-destruction and chaos, closing himself off from further hurt and the world at large behind a metaphorical wall. When his manager discovers Pink strung-out in a hotel room, he pumps him full of uppers and sends him perform at a concert where he imagines himself as a fascist dictator.

It's all incredibly preposterous and pretentious, I must admit, but acted out on stage with puppets and CGI weirdness, it's enough to make the cynicism of any classic rock fan melt in five seconds flat. For me, at least, the album is the final nail in the classic rock canon and a smart, vicious critique on the "Boomer Generation."

At the end of the show, after a strange animation sequence set to "The Trial," the wall explodes, sending its bricks across the stage. All things considered, the album and props would make a great, if weird, Broadway musical. At the very least, it would be a lot more entertaining than Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark.

Reportedly, the show will be filmed during a six show stint in London in May for a release on Blue Ray sometime later. Until then, here's a herky-jerky iPhone clip from the Tacoma show featuring "Another Brick in the Wall Part 2."


Thursday, February 10, 2011


This could be the most amazing thing you see all day....

Two colleagues of mine attended a wedding in Idaho last month and, while driving back to Portland, discovered the Snake River frozen over. Like all good-hearted Americans, they decided to pull over and toss rocks at it. The unworldly, echoing sound-effects that ensued are stunning, worthy of both National Geographic and Star Trek.

A quick head's up though. The gent in the "O" hat has quite the potty-mouth on him and breaks out a few Big Lebowski quotes. NSFW? I'll let you decide.


Tuesday, February 08, 2011


Europe in Three Minutes or Less # 1

Am I now posting iPhone video clips of my travels through Europe on YouTube? Lemme check....

Yup! In this first installment, I explore the heart of Leiden and find windmills. And marijuana. And bicycles.

Eat your heart out, Samantha Brown! Anybody can do this whole Travel Channel thing.


Thursday, February 03, 2011


The Daily Show....Dutch style

Surreal, no? It debuted in the Netherlands on Monday. Jon Stewart puts in an appearance, via segment taped at Comedy Central's studio in New York, at the 15:50 mark.


Wednesday, February 02, 2011


There was a city and it had a game and Bingo was its name-o! B...I..N...G...

By now you're all familiar with Portland Bingo. These cards have been getting passed around on Twitter, Facebook and the blogs for several weeks now. They include traditional PDX icons and cliches like the "[Made in] Oregon" sign, mustaches and food carts.


All in all, they're rather "safe." Naturally, I'd like to see a localized bingo concept with, how do you say, a little more kick. Here are my suggestions for an "edgier" Portland Bingo card:

  • The word "edgy" appears in Willamette Week or Portland Monthly

  • Another shameless attempt by Sam Adams to cater to the bike crowd

  • A local organization cashes in on Portlandia

  • New McMenamins

  • Malfunctioning downtown parking meter

  • The phallic sculpture across from Powell's Books

  • A Twitter link to yet another New York Times travel article on Portland

  • Sneering hipster

  • Darcelle w/o make-up on a day-off

  • Art Alexis, in a coffee-shop, quietly wishing someone will recognize him

  • A food cart (gets stolen)

  • Gallagher unleashing hell on a local reporter and/or podcaster

  • Tonya Harding takes up a new sport

  • The Samurai motorcycle guy

  • The Oregonian announcing a lay-off

  • An injured Blazer at a strip club

  • A homeless guy with a "Why lie, I need beer!" sign

  • Kirk Reeves

  • An ironic adult sports league team arguing non-ironically in a dive bar about the politics of their ironic adult sports league

  • The opening of yet another "farm-to-table" bistro

  • A local complaining about water rates

  • A meth-head stealing copper

  • A "Keep Portland Weird" knock-off sticker. "Keep Portland Beared," "Keep Portland Beered," "Keep Portland Away From Me," etc.

    Feel free to offer your own suggestions below....


  • Tuesday, February 01, 2011


    Trapped at the Bunny Ranch Part 2: Interview with a Prostitute

    I turned off Highway 50 and up the steep, winding road that leads to the Bunny Ranch around 5 o'clock. A inauspicious, homemade sign leads the way; the sort of marker you'd typically see pointing towards a car wash fundraiser for a local high school marching band. It's a lonely, gravel road a few hours before sunset on a Friday. Nothing but overgrown patches of brown grass and a worn-out auto-body shop along the way. At one time, at least, the cautionary sign below greeted visitors as they made the trek.

    The grounds of the Bunny Ranch are much better kept. The view from up there looks over the golden valley down below. A sign attached to the cargo hold of a truck features two of the ranch's employees besides pastel words that scream "WORLD FAMOUS BUNNY RANCH! AS SEEN ON THE HIT HBO TELEVISION SHOW, CATHOUSE!" The parking lot was mostly empty and quiet. There were few signs of life, with the exception of a bored driver reading a magazine in a limousine parked by the side entrance.

    The Bunny Ranch is the color of sand, sterile, with a white security that runs around the perimeter. There's no neon offering "HOT, LEGAL SEX!" or anything like that. The only bit of flare on the building itself is a few pink tiles over the front porch. I made the mistake of going to the side entrance, which is reserved for VIPs eager to avoid the eyes of the public. A voice in a speaker-box said it would buzz me in through the front gate.



    A madam greeted me on the front porch. Somewhere north of 50, she was conservatively dressed with bleach-blond hair stretching down her back. Her skin looked like it had jumped out of a tanning bed and onto to her body just seconds before she opened the front door. The foyer looked like the waiting area in a Planet Hollywood with glistening, black tile and plush benches. She handed me a glossy brochure along with an "erotic menu" describing what the employees of the Ranch would and would not be willing to do. As I glanced through it, she told me what would happen next.

    "Ok, in a minute I'll bring out the girls. They'll introduce themselves. You take your pick and she'll give you a tour of the grounds. Or, if you would prefer, you can head straight to her room." Each prostitute at the ranch has their own room with a large bed, an HDTV and a private bathroom and shower. "Remember, the tour is free," the madam told me. "You're not obligated to have sex if you don't want to but you can't discuss prices or what you're looking for until you're behind closed doors. This is Nevada state law."

    Before I could process these words or the menu, the madam stepped into the adjoining bar area and returned with a dozen scantily clad women. My brain shot a jolt of culture-shock down my spine. I felt like Bashful suddenly presented with a dozen busty Snow Whites. I blushed, fought against a nervous smile and tried to avoid eye contact while maintaining some semblance of calm. "Stay frosty," I told myself as the urge to flee hit. "Remember, you're a professional journalist blogger-type person. If you can survive butting elbows with the Hollywood press and ghost attacks in haunted hotels, you can handle a dozen women who would love to drain both your genitals and your bank account."

    Most of them were in their 20s. A few had a natural, co-ed look about them while the rest resembled porn stars. Lots of breast augmentation, Collagen lips and Botox-soaked cheeks in this line-up. One lady, who had endured more than her fair share of plastic surgery, looked like a buxom space alien--- somewhere between Joan Rivers and one of the Visitors from V. I can't imagine what they thought of me, dressed in jeans, hiking boots and a Threadless t-shirt. I had come to Nevada dressed for Burning Man, not a trip to a brothel. Was I some slovenly internet millionaire from the Bay area or a college student from Oregon? Who can tell these days?

    The looks in their eyes ranged from quiet desperation to a hungry twinkle worthy of a stockbroker about to unleash a Ponzi Scheme on a client. Each of the women introduced themselves briefly, like contestants on the first episode of a reality show. I nodded politely to them and said hello, feeling like a total sleaze ball all the while. I picked the least intimidating woman in the line-up, "Jane" (neither her real or her professional name), a gal in her early 20s who strongly resembled Meadow on The Sopranos. She was dressed in a pair of skimpy shorts and lacy negligee.

    The rest of ladies returned to a small den filled with velvet couches and began chatting as Jane led me over to the bar. Its many bottles glowed red like the dying embers of a campfire in hell. She showed me a row of photos of various celebs who had visited the Ranch (and were willing to have their photos taken). Shots of Ron Jeremy and "Bridget the Midget" were prominently displayed. She's been known to work at the Ranch but apparently had the night off. Across from the bar was a display case filled with sexual toys available for purchase. Jane offered her opinion on the best anal beads in the bunch.

    The interior of the Ranch is a mishmash of softly-lit corridors lined with leopard-skin carpets. All in all, it feels like the whorehouse-equivalent of the Winchester Mansion. Jane escorted me out into a concrete courtyard with a hot tub tucked up against a wall. Across the way was a small office, shut for the night. "All of us are required, under Nevada law, to have regular check-ups for sexually transmitted diseases," she told me. A staircase on the other end of the courtyard led up to what she described as a "lagoon." "Yeah, things get pretty wild up there around 3 AM on the weekends."



    Jane led me to her room. A plush bed took up most of the interior, leaving little space for a long, oak dresser. I didn't want to be in there but there was something I had to know: "how much does this girl make an hour?" Jane jumped on the bed and glanced at the Facebook news feed on her laptop. She apologized and followed this up with a text on her cell phone.

    I didn't want to waste too much of her time but, on the other hand, it was early in the evening and I figured the place would probably be a ghost town for the next few hours. I suddenly flashed to Holden Caufield's awkward encounter with a prostitute in The Catcher in the Rye

    "Ok," she said, closing her cell phone with a loud snap. "Come over here and have a seat."

    I could have broken out the "Sorry, I'm Just Here to Garner Fodder for My Blog" excuse but I thought up a trump card on the drive over: the "I'm a Poor College Student. All I've Got on Me is a Hundred Bucks" excuse. No self-respecting prostitute at one of the world's most famous brothels was going to even shake my hand for that kind of scratch. This was my "Get Out of the Whorehouse Free" card.

    I took a seat next to her on the bed and she immediately got down to the nitty-gritty. "So, what kind of a budget are you working with?"

    "Actually, I'm a college student in Portland. All I've got with me is a hundred dollars."

    "Oh, well, we do take Mastercard and Visa."

    "I'm afraid I'm living on a budget these days. I'm heading off to Europe after Burning Man too."

    "The lowest I can go is $300, actually, and that would be for the first fifteen minutes." I suspected that Jane was still thinking she was going to make a sale. "30 minutes runs $500. For $1200, anything goes. Hot tubs, playing doctor, anal, toys....you name it."

    The United States is in the middle of a deep recession but this woman can still make $1200 in a few hours of getting kinky with a stethoscope. What a country we live in! Now I knew why the Visitor in the lobby was still working at the Ranch and willing to endure the knives of countless plastic surgeons.

    "This is probably your first term in a brothel, right," Jane asked with a gentle smile.

    "Yeah, we don't have these things back in Oregon," I stuttered, suddenly feeling like an Anthony Michael Hall character in a John Hughes movie. "Well, not the legal kind but...er, yeah..."

    Despite the clear fact that she was getting nowhere slow, Jane was willing to keep chatting and launched into a history lesson on both the Bunny Ranch and legalized prostitution in Nevada. It was clear that this girl had a head on her shoulders and was a far cry from a bimbo. So what was she doing at the Bunny Ranch? Despite the great pay, a lot of women would never even think of going into this profession. I launched into reporter mode...


    "I work a 12 hour shift out here," Jane told me. "Four days a week. I'm considered an independent contractor."

    "Sorry if I'm being blunt but why are you doing this for a living," I asked. She didn't even blink an eye.

    "You know what? Before this, I was a manager in a restaurant. I probably don't need to tell you that I make a lot more money here at the Ranch than I did back there. I choose the hours I work and it's much more fun than having to deal with customers pissed off about lukewarm onion rings."

    "I like sex and I like having sex," she continued. "I can turn down any client I want. If I don't like the look of someone or I feel uncomfortable, I politely turn them down. They usually return to the lobby, find another girl and wind up leaving here pretty satisfied."

    Does she receive additional benefits or health insurance? "With the exception of the clinic checks, no." How much does the house take? Jane dished-out a detailed rundown of facts and figures but I wasn't about to break out a scratch pad to take it all down. An odd detail that I remembered later: if a taxi cab or a limo driver escorts a john to the ranch, a prostitute has to give them 30% of what they make.

    I thanked Jane for her time. "No problem," she said, leading me back to the bar. "Keep us in mind when you graduate and get a career going, of course."

    All in all, I was impressed with the place. It wasn't my bag but Jane was a class act. A total professional. When we got back to the bar, around eight gals were still chatting on the couches. "What happened," one of them asked.

    "Sorry, guys," I said, trying to think fast and already eying the exit. "This place is just too classy and spendy for me. I'm a college guy, what can I say? Jane's great but she doesn't offer a student discount."

    One of the gals bounced off the couch. "I offer a student discount!" The other gals cackled like a coven of witches. She rushed over to my side and took me by the hand. "You wanna come with me," she asked, already leading me off to her room.

    Uh-oh. I hadn't planned for this.

    To be continued....

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