And so ends this thrilling (well...), enthralling (not really) and engaging (pfffft!) video tour through Eastern Oregon.

Labels: off topic, Oregon, sojurns, YouTube

Labels: off-topic, Oregon, sojurns, YouTube

Labels: off-topic, Oregon, sojurns, YouTube

Labels: off topic, Oregon, sojurns, YouTube

Would you take a car down this road?

Ok, better question, would you take *your* car down this road?

Labels: off-topic, Oregon, sojurns, YouTube

Can I pronounce "Imnaha"? As these videos prove, no, I sure can't!

Labels: off-topic, Oregon, sojurns, YouTube

In part 3, I argue with Lars Larson (on the radio) while cruising to Hells Canyon in the middle of a thunder storm. Along the way, I encounter a family of deer, break them up and then attempt to reconcile the situation.

Labels: off-topic, Oregon, sojurns, YouTube

A few friends and I braved the snow-soaked passes along US 26 to spend the weekend on the outskirts of Manzanita. The following lessons were learned:

Heading to the coast after dark during one of the worst winters the region has seen in decades isn't the best of ideas. Once past Manning, US 26 was covered in a thin layer of snow all the way to Camp 18 on Friday night. We're talking about winding mountain roads and traffic lines obscured by snowflakes. Drivers ahead of our car decided to straddle the westbound lanes for roughly a 20-mile stretch. Thankfully, at no point did I have to turn into a skid, push my car out of a snowdrift or fight a Yeti to the death.

Another maybe-not-so-bright idea: attempting to hunt for mussels as the tide was coming in along the north end of Manzanita's coastline. Two of us did all the work while the rest of us hung back to laugh at them and play fetch with the dogs. Grand total of mussels captured Saturday afternoon: 0. Grand total of French spaniels that somehow managed to hump what may or may not have been a starfish after darting off through a patch of rocks: 1.

The owners of this sign attached a small wooden church to it because...actually, I have no idea. Maybe it's some sort of social commentary? It can be found along the main drag in town.

During the winter months the north Oregon coast recalls certain passages out of The Road. The only thing this photo is missing is gray ash falling from the sky. Oh, and a nuclear apocalypse.

I rest my case. Here's hoping this couple didn't have to push a shopping cart full of dry goods through a nightmarish hellscape filled with cannibals to make it out to the coast for the weekend. Anyway, we found this weird little fort on the south-side of the beach on Sunday.

Everyone is more intimidating when they're wearing a "wife beater." Even Zuma the border collie.

Bottles of mezcal may not have hallucinogenic properties but may, however, lead to siblings mooning each other during heated debates over whether or not it's appropriate to blast Blitzkrieg Bop at 2 AM while more reasonable people are trying to pass out godammit.

Commando: it's still the finest action film the 1980s bequeathed us.

The University of Phoenix Stadium has retractable roof for some reason.

If it was snowing when you crossed the Oregon Coast Range, there's a good chance it will be snowing when you find yourself heading back to Portland after sticking around to watch the Super Bowl and that episode of Mythbusters when the hosts stuffed silverware into a cannon.

Thanks for the lovely weekend, Mr. and Mrs. A. The candle light was just right, the Hi-Fi was in the background and the wine was delicious.

Labels: Oregon, the beach

A victim of the weekend's storms. Goodnight, sweet 750 year old wooden prince. Why do the good always die young? Or at least young for ancient trees?

Labels: Oregon, trees

Bad idea:

Renaming Interstate Avenue Cesar E. Chavez Blvd.

Worse idea:

Renaming SW Fourth Avenue Cesar E. Chavez Blvd. First of all, doing so will completely mess up the street numbering system in downtown Portland, which will inevitably result in all of us being asked "where's 4th? What's the matter with you people?" by tourists and expats every ten minutes. I can see the rationale of an all-white city council throwing down a "see, we're not racist!" trump card in the middle of a situation like this but why not redub one of the side-streets that run alongside City Hall instead? Wouldn't that be a bold enough gesture? Plus,I don't think James Madison's ghost wound mind giving up his street for this. Worse yet, the proponents of the Interstate name change hate the proposal.

If it finally goes through, I call dibs on running the "Portland Citizens Committee for Renaming SW 6th the Bruce Lee Parkway." I'd also be interested in joining up with a potential "Portland Alliance of Occasional Voters Eager to See SW Broadway Switched to Clyde Drexler Boulevard Even Though He Already Has a Street Named After Him Over by the Rose Garden."

The Worst Idea of All:

Why are Tom Potter and Bud Clark clearly wearing shorts in this photograph? And why do they seem more interested in each other than Vera and her statue? Ooooooooh...

Some photos tell a thousand words. I think this one has at least 750 in it. More here, if you haven't already seen the rest.

Labels: Oregon, tolerant Oregon

Click here for part 1 and click here for part 2.

# 2: Challenge of Mondor

A sign hangs near the entrance to Enchanted Forest's newest attraction warning away "the easily frightened." Other types of people that should be added to the list: "those with heart conditions" and "anyone who has a problem with a screeching demon flying over their heads." The ride is similar to the "dark rides" at Disneyland but updated with a new shooting gallery twist. Riders each wield an electronic laser gun which they can fire at the inhabitants of Mondor, an imaginary kingdom ruled by an evvvvvil wizard. Each successful shot earns riders points, which are added up at the end of the ride.

Really, what better way to teach small children about the rigors of modern combat than by plunging them into a five-minute hell ride past howling, mechanical monsters and a maniacal, robot wizard that...stands up and starts yelling insults rather than duck for cover or return fire?

Challenge of Mondor: it's a lot like Apocalypse Now but with a twist of Lord of the Rings. The horror...the horror? Yup, it's got that.

# 1: The Haunted House

When my parents were wide-eyed twenty-somethings in the '70s, they roamed the Willamette Valley engaging in debauchery appropriate for their era and doing things I really don't want to think about. On one occasion, they visited Enchanted Forest and ventured into the Haunted House. As they came around a dark corner, a teenage employee in a Dracula outfit jumped out, grabbed my father's shoulder and he, kinda, sorta...punched him in the face. They left quickly.

But that's what the park's Haunted House does to people: it turns mild-mannered hippies, such as my father was in 1974, into sucker punchers that think nothing of assaulting mischievous vampires. Or the jaded into quivering rabbits. While employees no longer leap out of the shadows, the attraction is still pretty creepy for adults and absolutely terrifying for tykes. As a timid kid, I never made it further than the foyer.

Working the door on the day we visited was a guy who looked like a young clone of M. Night Shyamalan. Did we "see [any] dead people" inside? Nope, but we did consider turning around after passing a glowing red ghoul candle display and into a dusty room filled with mannequins in Halloween costumes. But were they really mannequins? Nope, they were ROBOTS THAT SUDDENLY CAME ALIVE AND...shook around a bit while a speaker in a nearby wall played a sound-effect of someone pounding on a door.

Anywhere else, this low-level fright would induce yawns but in a quiet corner of an already creepy theme park? With a sibling that absolutely detests theme park attractions like this? And with a group of teenage girls that immediately shriek the second they encounter anything slightly spooky? And in a dusty, old place with dangerously low lightening levels? Under those circumstances, a run-of-the-mill Haunted House becomes a place more frightening than the inside of a Ghostbusters' containment unit.

OK, not really but to anyone under the age of 10 there's at least a 50% chance of some serious pants wetting.

Enchanted Forest: it's been giving kids nightmares since 1971 and here's hoping it keeps dishing them out for years to come. If you doubt it, check this thing out:

Labels: Oregon, scary

Click here for numbers 10 - 7.

# 6 - The three-headed bunny flower

"If it bleeds, we can kill it." - Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator.

If I ever encountered the "bunny flower" as a child, I have no memory of it. As mentioned previously, I visited Enchanted Forest several times as a kid. Based on the condition of the flower, it's been in the park for years. I must have seen it at some point and, given how freakish it is, there's no way I could have forgotten about it unless I supressed the memory. Some might describe this abomination as "whimsical." Those people would be wrong. I think it would make an excellent monster in an '80s action flick. Can't you picture Jess Ventura firing a mini-gun at this thing? The flower can be found in the Alice in Wonderland section of the park.

# 5 - The crooked house and the four-eyed violinist

This one I remember well. I have a distinct memory of going to the park with around a dozen family members sometime in the '80s. We entered the crooked house, I came around a corner and encountered this, a bizzare mural of a violinist with four eyes that looks like the love child of Neil Gaiman and a random goth groupie. I'd rate the amount of terror I experienced that day on the same level as "Danny meeting the twins in The Shining." Who thought putting something this eerie in an already weird, poorly-lit amusement park atracction would be a good idea and what were they smoking? Adding insult to injury, is there any mention of a four-eyed violinist in the original nursery rhyme? No, no there isn't. I checked.

# 4 - Mary and her terrified little lamb

Here's another one that warrants a look at the source material. While the original nursery rhyme claims that "everywhere that Mary went, her lamb was sure to go" it neglects to mention whether or not the little guy was cool with this arrangement. Based on the display here, Mary's lamb is definitely not comfortable with getting dragged everywhere. Even Michael Vick didn't subject his pets to the American educational system. Mary's an animal abuser and, if you doubt it, check out the horror in the lamb's eyes and that determined, sadistic look in her's. Disturbing side note: the rhyme is supposedly based on a true story.

# 3 - The animatronic displays

The first section of the park, "Storybook Lane," is devoted to nursery rhymes, some of which include animatronic figures. They're kept in pretty good shape but they do get dusty and there's little to stop bugs from creeping inside them. Take, for example, this diorama featuring Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You can't see it but, in the corner, there's a cobweb with a real, live black widow.

Ok, it's probably just a Daddy Long Legs but, if you were Goldilocks, which would you be more concerned with? The cartoon bears in the bedroom or the spider in the corner surrounded by dead bugs? Wait, don't answer that.

In addition to the bugs, the 60s-era technology on display includes a murky audio track blaring out of old speakers. Add up the bugs, the old tech and the fact these are basically stuffed animals jumping around "by themselves" and you've got yourself enough material to fuel a few thousand preschool nightmares. If I was four year old and owned a teddy bear, I'm sure I'd try to flush him down the toilet after getting a look at the Enchanted Forest's Three Bears display.

To be continued...

Labels: Oregon, scary

He waves from a sign perched beside I-5, beckoning travelers into his kingdom. He's Humpty Dumpty, the mascot of Enchanted Forest, the family-owned theme park outside of Salem that my sister and I visited a few Sundays back. As a kid, trips to the park always conjured up a feeling that was equal parts eagerness and terror. On on hand, I was excited to ride the bobsleds and run around Western Town. On the other, there was always the chance that an older cousin would coax me down the rabbit hole or into the Haunted House.

There's no denying that, both then and now, the park has a high creepiness factor. Here's the first of three installments covering the top 10 reasons why Enchanted Forest is freaky enough to cause thousands of wet pants a year.

# 10 - The crocodile and the castle

After passing through the main entrance, the first thing visitors come across is Enchanted Forest's castle. It looks innocent enough, with its pastel bricks but what's that waiting in the moat below? A bloodthirsty, albeit weather-worn, crocodile covered in...pocket change! What did the ol' croc have to do to earn all that misbegotten scratch? Come alive and trick passing children out of their hard-earned pennies? Or eat random stranglers that made the mistake of losing track of their parents? The old saying goes, "never smile at a crocodile" but letting him know you're carrying cash is an even worse idea.

The interior of the castle is dark and two tiny staircases lead into an even darker dungeon with displays featuring robotic dolls acting out scenes from Sleeping Beauty. Listening to a robotic witch prattling on about her plans to torture a knight with a hundred years of solitary confinement? Cree-py.

# 9 - Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall that left his brittle body broken and shattered, leaving him with thousands of of dollars worth of medical bills after the king's best doctors couldn't "put him back together again." An innocent bedtime story or a grim parable warning children of the pitfalls of the modern healthcare industry? Either way, that's pretty grim stuff to lay on a family trying to kill a summer afternoon. Plus, isn't that statue just plain freaky?

# 8 - Doogie Dork

Who is Doogie Dork? A window display near the park's front entrance offers little context. It's filled with storybooks and memorabilia devoted to what may or may not be a beloved, yet misogynistic, cartoon character. Based on the cover pictured here, for Doogie "trouble" is clearly equated with females...and purple dragons (or is that a kangaroo?) that are also, possibly, female. Maybe the author was/is a bitter divorcee stuck with heavy alimony and child support payments. If there's anything that scares kids, it's the letters d, i, v, o, r, c and e all strung together in a row. Could Sara, the book's antagonist, be the name of a former wife? Well, now I'm depressed.

# 7 - The hole

Ok, admittedly, those first three were pretty weak but now that we're at number 7, we're getting to the truly creepy elements of Enchanted Forest. As a kid, the park's Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole was a challenge- a gauntlet worthy of the cave that Luke jumps into while training with Yoda on Dagobah. I never made it more than a few feet in before getting scared and crawling back to the entrance, much to the dismay of other kids that had entered behind me. This always caused a traffic jam resulting in bumped heads and angry glares from random parents.

I was probably 12 before I made it all the way to the end. The hole is at least 20 yards long and, once you're past a certain point, it's pitch black in there. The floor is rough concrete and hard on the knees, especially if you're wearing shorts. It's a lawsuit waiting to happen and there's probably a drain in the floor to help wash all the urine that comes out of terrified kids in a given day. I'm sure one of the least pleasant jobs in the Enchanted Forest is the cleaning and disinfecting of the rabbit hole. They probably get the newbies to do it.

To be continued...

Labels: Oregon, scary

How did I wind up at a Ted Nugent concert at the Oregon Garden? Let me pose a better question: how did Ted Nugent wind up at a concert at the Oregon Garden? While the man is nearly 60, he hardly appeals to the gray-haired/church social crowd that frequents the place.

On Thursday night myself, a colleague and a few thousand locals poured into the garden's amphitheater for 105 minutes of the Motor City Madman's special brand of "soul rock." It's hard to believe that a man singing recently penned odes to his "love grenade" and his desire to "eat girl scout cookies" isn't doing so at a level of irony rivaling a hundred Tenacious Ds. Nonetheless, after watching him wail on an American flag guitar between political diatribes and and running around the stage with machine guns, and despite the over-the-top absurdity of his act, I'm still convinced that:

1: Ted Nugent is completely sincere.

2: Ted Nugent is completely insane.

Some excerpts from the show:

Nugent on politics: "You know this Barrack Obama guy? Ain't he a piece of shit? And Hillary Clinton is a whore. She's a whore! She can suck on these!" At this point he broke out two machine guns and held them over his head. The crowd up front went wild.

Nugent on his own heritage: "I was born a small black child in Memphis." Sure, it's a reference to a Steve Martin movie but he repeated it numerous times with complete conviction before launching into the world's least funky cover of "Soul Man" (sans horn section). During the show he also announced: "I'm James Brown! James Brown...WITH MACHINE GUNS!" Yes, I believe Ted Nugent really thinks he's Soul Brother # 1 reincarnated in the body of a guy who once made his living running around in a loin cloth ala Tarzan. Maybe it's sorta like Spock at the end of Wraith of Kahn. James Brown's soul could very well be stuck in Ted Nugent's body. There's a freaky thought.

Nugent on children: "I'd start a guns for kiddies program if they'd let me. Tonight, every kid in the audience would get a free machine gun!"

Nugent on peace and love: "I believe in peace and love, specifically a love of superior firepower!" The title of his new album? Love Grenade because "after all, who doesn't love grenades?"

Nugent on the NW: "I love my brothers and sisters in Ory-gone! You've all got good hunting out here!"

Nugent on world politics: "Our brave fighting men are killing assholes around the world. I'm all for killing assholes!" During one guitar solo: "Wooooo! You can't get this in France!"

Yes, I paid good money to get in and, yes, my liberal/Portland/commie pinko/plastic bottle and newspaper recycling conscience is still nagging me days later.

There was also Nugent's choice of a backdrop. Behind the drum set a row of speakers were covered in camo nets. At least a dozen machine guns ranging from M16s to Uzis were on stage, hung next to objects like a cow skull, a wolf fur and an Native American headdress. The crowd's response to all of this? 50% bewilderment, 50% adoration.

A good section of the audience consisted of bikers, fratboys and "sons of the soil," a few dressed in construction helmets with deer horns attached to the sides. I witnessed two near fights, one between a group of teenagers and two middle-aged men over politics, another between a father with three kids and a guy who looked like he was all cranked up on the meth and the alcohol and the wacky-tabbacy. A guy dressed in biker gear I encountered later on went off on a loud rant about Iraq, acting as if he was looking to duke-it-out with anyone who dared disagree with him (strangely enough, he was as staunch opponent of the war, at one point growling, "I'm 57 years old and I don't want my son to die in that bullshit"). Also in a attendance: a man that looked and dressed like Walter from The Big Lebowski. He was too busy smooching with his lady love to cause any trouble though.

Despite some incidents on the fringes, everyone was more interested in hooting and hollering along with "Uncle Ted" than flinging fists. They also kindly turned a blind eye to my Birkenstocks and a few hipster sightseers wandering through the crowd. Nugent closed the set with an amazing "Cat Scratch Fever" before returning to the stage in a headdress for a epic song about "hunting the great, white buffalo." At the climax, he broke out a bow and arrow, lit the arrow on fire and shot a white guitar.

Politics and mental illness aside, there's no getting around the fact that Ted Nugent is a amazing guitar player and still a great showman. Shooting a guitar with a flaming bow and arrow? Bad. Ass. I really wish I had brought along a camera. Instead, I had to make do with the one in my phone, which randomly produces results ranging from 600 x 400 pixel photos to blurry, stamp-sized crapulence. Its work ethic and ethos are as much a mystery to me as Unky Ted's.

Labels: hicks, Oregon, rock

Multnomah Falls - an icon of the Pacific Northwest. A splendorous natural wonder that has awed thousands of visitors a year for over a century. A beacon of Oregon's splendors that has been immortalized on everything from novelty pens to novelty pencils.

And hiking to the top of them is more than meets the shin splints.

The furthest I've ever made it up the paved trail leading to the crest is the Falls' stone bridge, a five minute walk from the gift shop. According to a sign near the bridge it's another mile to the lookout at the top. Undaunted by the sandals he was wearing, a colleague I was with talked me into heading up there.

After making the hike I'm now convinced the sign is lying. Maybe it's a mile up if you have a jet pack and an inclination to fly straight up from the bottom of Falls. Sure, we were out of shape and, sure, we encountered a senior citizen couple on their way back down, both of them wearing sandals. Regardless, on a hot Monday afternoon when you're expecting a leisurely stroll, the hike seems like something out of the first 20 minutes of Full Metal Jacket. Towards the top, the trail descends down a trail alongside a stream past a jr. waterfall (see above) before finally arriving at a circular viewpoint beside the Falls' edge.

Unwilling to walk up there yourself? Curious to know what the view from above looks like? Then just click the play button below.

Was it worth the effort? Sure. Thanks for helping to make the trail a reality, Rick's Custom Fencing & Decking. Remember, there's no better "Friend of the Forest" than a company that produces products comprised of 99.8% lumber.

Labels: nature, Oregon

I've lived in this state for most of my life but I've never made a trip to the Oregon Country Fair. My plans for the weekend fell through and now I'm thinking about making my way south. For those who have gone and aren't of the, er, "hippie persuasion," is it worth the trip, if only for people watching?

I could use some advice. For example, will I find myself surrounded by people yelling "Narc!" if I dare mix a non-branded Gap t-shirt with Birkenstocks?

Labels: hippies, Oregon

...will it make a sound? Probably. Will it hit anybody? Nope, because local authorities have it roped it off.

During last month's wind storm the United State's Largest Sitka spruce, located near Seaside on US 26, had a portion of its trunk torn away exposing its rotting innards. The "Klootchy Creek Giant" could fall any day now and loggers are already lining up to perform a mercy kiling, should this prove prophetic.

I stopped by on my way to the coast this weekend to pay my respects. From afar, the tree looked much same as when I stopped by a few years ago, much like Treebeard from The Two Towers but without the guilt-tripping or rock throwing. I've heard talk of efforts to save the ailing behemoth- that cement, epoxy or stuffing the rotting trunk full of wood could save it. Might I suggest duct tape or bungie cords? Any of you out there have any ideas?

Most of those hanging around had come to gawk but at least one person at Klootchy Creek was shedding tears. A hippie girl had to be consoled by her boyfriend as they stared up at the spruce. But who knows how many future generations of hippie girls will cry over the spruce's roots the next time it has a health scare like this? I've got five bucks on the tree. I think it'll pull through, one way or another. Break out the duct tape! This ol' bastard has plenty of life left in it.

Labels: Oregon, roadside_attractions