These reasons may not be enough to convince me to put down my Xbox 360 controller but a good argument in favor of finding better things to do with your free time than play GTA IV can be found here.

Labels: video games

Some time back someone sent me a link to a "Zero Punctuation" review. I've been trying to track down the site ever since. Not knowing what search queries to try besides, "Australian," "video games" and "snark" led to a 20-minute long hunt. After all that effort, I figure I may as well squeeze a blog post out of it. Here's a link to the author tearing into Grand Theft Auto IV.

<

Labels: video games

...I ran out and picked up a copy of Grand Theft Auto 4 today. I put off saving my in-game cousin from loan sharks in order to go bowling with my girlfriend. Now he's yelling at me to pick him up from the hospital. I'll get to that soon enough, right after I finish reading this article about what people living in the ghettos of the real "Liberty City" think of this thing.

Labels: video games

I managed to make it to level five before losing interest. Here's the link.

Labels: video games

GuitarRising
Uploaded by jakeparks

I've defended Guitar Hero and Rock Band before but, with this coming out, I wonder if it will make those games obsolete. The big question has also been "why waste time learning how to play a fake guitar when you could learn how to play a real one instead?" Still, somehow I don't expect Guitar Rising to outsell the next incarnations of either. Even this. Video games are, after all, all about escapism and the tediousness that comes with learning how to play an instrument is anything but.

I invested dozens and dozens of hours into learning how to play a guitar in high school. Ten years later, I can barely get through the first few chords of "Wish You Were Here." Developing calluses on your fingers and struggling to memorize the difference between an A chord and an A7 isn't going to instantaneously make you feel like Slash circa 1987.

Labels: video games

So this is my last Monday off before I revert back to a normal M - F work schedule. Instead of doing anything remotely productive I've blown a good portion of my afternoon playing the Apple II version of Oregon Trail on an emulator. I named every person in my party after members of the Bush administration and sent them off on the trail late in the season with limited supplies.

Despite all that, everybody made it to the Willamette but Dick Cheney. He suffered an unfortunate accident as the party attempted to ford a river in Kansas. Sorry Dick. For Round 2 I'll give my hearty pioneers the same names I did back in third grade. Good, wholesome, all-American and less likely to land me in a secret prison names like "Poopy Butt" and "Diarrhea."

So all this nostalgia has got me thinking that this old elementary school classic would make great fodder for a Decemberists' song. It's got all the elements: oddball 19th century historical tidbits, violence and assorted grimness. Text from the game like "_______ has died of dysentery" and "you have shot 965 pounds of bear meat but can only carry 100 back to the wagon" would make great lyrics.

Or not. Nonetheless, here's hoping a song with a title like "A Thief Has Stolen a Wagon Wheel and Two Sets of Clothing" gets unveiled when the band plays the Crystal Ballroom later this month.

Labels: music, video games

First South Park made fun of the phenomenon. Then last week Slate ran an article written by Sleater Kinney's Carrie Brownstein condemning it. The big question behind the minor controversy: why waste dozens of hours mastering video games like Guitar Hero III or Rock Band when you could spend that time learning an actual instrument or putting together a real band?

The answers are obvious but still I feel the need to point them out here on the internet. Without further ado, here's my defense of games that enable players to pretend they're rock gods.

1. Learning how to play a real instrument sucks

I started taking guitar lessons in high school. I threw away hundreds of dollars of my parents' money and hundreds of hours trying to pull off bar chords and a decent cover of "She's So Heavy." I still practice every now and then. Despite all the effort, I can't even play "Blowing in the Wind," AKA "One of the Easiest Songs to Play on a Guitar in the History of Guitars." Why? One reason: part of the pinky finger on my left hand was chopped off in a freak accident when I was a kid, rendering it clumsy and worthless when it comes to chord changes. Another reason: I have absolutely no musical talent whatsoever.

But after a recent night of barhopping, I returned to a friend's apartment and pulled off a pretty decent cover of "War Pigs" on Guitar Hero 2 without ever having held one of the game's plastic guitars. I'd rate the sense of self-satisfaction that resulted afterwards on the same level of spending an hour fumbling through the opening chords of "Wish You Were Here" on the acoustic guitar currently gathering dust behind my couch.

Need I keep going? Ok...

2. Watching your friends play real instruments sucks

At one point or another, we've all found ourselves trapped in a dorm room or a friend's house as they attempt to impress everyone with their guitar skills. They get three bars into a Weezer song or, worse yet, "Stairway to Heaven" before choking and muttering, "No, wait, I got it this time guys." This sort of thing can drag on for hours if you let it. I once spent thirty minutes watching a neighbor botch the dungeon theme from Super Mario Brothers. All things considered, I would have rather watched him blast his way through a video game version of Boston's "More Than a Feeling."

3. Being in a real rock band sucks

Only a select few ever make it to the point of destroying themselves with booze, groupies, STDS and giant stacks of money. The rest might be lucky enough to go on a club tour across the states in a tiny van with their annoying-as-hell bandmates. As much fun as it might be to bet your future on the off-chance your band is going to make it, going on an imaginary world tour in Rock Band while working your way up the chain of command at Kinkos just makes more sense. Still not convinced? Track down a copy of DiG! and pay extra close attention to all the scenes featuring The Brian Jonestown Massacre.

4. Video games are all about wasting time

Is there a difference between throwing away a good portion of
your life learning how to suicide bomb opponents in Halo 3 and dinking around with a plastic guitar? Or between playing Guitar Hero 3 and watching TV or movies or blogging or following professional sports or, really, any pursuit of leisure? Nope. They're all ways of blowing off steam and relaxing. One person's hobby is another's unhealthy obsession. Frankly, I have more respect for someone who has mastered every song on Guitar Hero 3 than someone who has watched every single season game featuring their local MLB team. At least the video game obsessive could use their "skills" to win stuff.

Labels: video games

Ok, I'll need to get an Xbox 360 between now and next fall but not for Halo 3, Bioshock or whatever other big games come out between now and then. I'll have to make the investment for this, a Ghostbusters game produced with the cast of the two movies. That even includes Bill Murray. Supposedly, Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis are also writing the script.

There's some preliminary test footage of the game that can be found here (thanks for the link, WWB). It looks pretty gosh darn swell. This thing is sure to beat Luigi's Mansion (link) for the title of "Best Video Game of All Time That Involves Sucking the Souls of the Dead Into Vacume Cleaner-like Devices."

Labels: Ghostbusting, video games