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Friday, August 07, 2009
Oh, sweet Cheesus
If you head east down NE Alberta you will find a silver trailer next to a school bus and a series of picnic tables. Inside this trailer there is a cheeseburger. A cheeseburger worthy of both admiration and fear.
They call it "The Cheesus Burger" but it does not like you. It will not tell you to love your neighbor. It will not turn your water into wine. It will not look good on a candle or in a nativity scene. Nor is it willing to die for your sins. In fact, I strongly suspect that this cheeseburger is far more interested in clogging your arteries, whittling months off our your expected lifespan and possibly making you rip a hole in your bicycle shorts after the spandex struggles and fails to hold back a cascading wave of quickly expanding Cheesus-fueled butt flab.
And you can have a Cheesus Burger to call your own for the low, low price of $8. Get 'em while they're hot at the Grilled Cheese Grill.
I gave one of these burgers a shot and only managed to consume the first half. I'll admit, I'm a lightweight. Still, ladies and gentleman, this is a Serious Burger. Oh, sure, the Voodoo Doughnut burger at The Original looks intimidating but it's nothing in comparison to The Cheesus. Here's a description from the grill's menu:
"The Soon-to-be-Famous Burger Behemoth. We’ve done away with the bun and replaced it with two grilled cheese sandwiches. That’s right, two of them. One on top, one on the bottom. Pickles and American cheese inside one, Grilled Onion and Colby Jack in the other. Lettuce, Tomato, Ketchup, Mustard, and 1/3lb Burger in between. You won’t need to eat again for 2 days. Comes with a bag of chips and a case of napkins."
I made the mistake of asking for a doggy bag after I had to tap out. I stupidly left the uneaten half in my car so I could meet up with a few friends at a bar down the street. When I got back, I swear I could hear the thing growling at me from the glove box.
Did I eat it? Dear God, no! What, do you think I'm crazy? I donated it to the Oregon Humane Society instead. I hope my unwanted Cheesus burger finds a loving home sometime soon.
The Grilled Cheese Grill has plenty of far more reasonable items on its menu and I recommend a sandwich called "The Pops" (Tomato, Havarti and Honey Mustard on Dave’s Killer Cracked Wheat). The grill is one of the weirder dinning establishments in Portland. It's not quite a food cart and it's not quite a restaurant. The grill opened in the spring and the school bus' indoor seating should keep things busy through the cold season.
The bus reminds me of the renovated trolley inside the Old Spaghetti Factory. The seats have been moved around to incorporate tables. An elaborate, psychedelic mural covers the ceiling. August's "Photo of the Month" (see above) features a mermaid and her Lucha Libre suitor from the mural. Unfortunately, her grilled cheese sandwich top had to be cropped out. Click here for an unedited view.
Oh, and the tables? They're decorated with old school portraits. That kid in the red? I'm pretty sure I went to high school with him. Sean Miller, if you're out there, is that a photo of you from middle school?
Definitely give the place a shot if you're ever in the area. They're open late on Fridays and Saturdays until 2:30 AM.