Tonight the Portland Timbers lost a match against Hollywood United of the U.S. Adult Soccer Association (USASA) in the first round of the 2008 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup.

I wish I could tell you what that means but there's a lot I don't know about soccer in this country. Despite having attended several Timbers games over the past few years, I still don't understand the rules, why the clock stops after forty-five minutes at the end of each half but the players keep playing for another five to ten minutes afterwards or what getting a "yellow card" means. At one point, I'm pretty there was a band called Yellow Card that recorded a song that may or may not have appeared on a Volkswagen commercial but I can't quite remember the details because I'm 92% sure that the band, the commercial and the song all sucked horribly.

I must confess that I don't know jack squat about soccer and that I only attend the occasional Timbers game to watch their mascot run around with a chainsaw and the Timbers Army throw around scarves, obscenities and smoke bombs (see above). I cheer when they cheer, swear when they swear and seem to always have a good time despite a complete ignorance of what's going on down on the field.

This much I do know: the Timbers are currently searching for a successor for Timber Jim, their now retired former mascot. The hour is growing late, I have to get up for work early and I can't seem to find anything beyond a Tribune article from a few weeks back regarding the application process. Please overlook my half-assed research and have a look at one would-be new guy's attempt to fill Jim's boots. Feel free to rate his log-cutting skills in the comments area below.

I went to tonight's game with two people who know even less about soccer than I do. They spent the whole time starring in a combination of both wonder and horror at the army, the smoke bombs, the chainsaws, etc. I'd like to think that they liked it.

Labels: sports