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Tuesday, August 01, 2006
So you hail from South Carolina and you want to "step" to Oregon?
As Washington Canard pointed out in a recent post, Stephen Colbert, or at least his on-screen persona, holds a grudge against our fair state. In the past he's described Oregon as ""California's Canada," which isn't so bad, and "Washington's Mexico," which is downright despicable and as incorrect as incorrect gets.
A "wag of the finger" to you, Mr. Colbert. As everyone knows, Washington is Oregon's second lamest neighbor and a far inferior state. Aside from Seattle and lenient fireworks laws, what does the so-called Emerald State have going for it? Its coastline isn't even 1/34th as majestic as ours and Washington's puny. Oregon contains 27,123 more square miles and could easily squish its neighbor to the north if the mood ever strikes. Washington is so incredibly lame that it has to share its name with a pint-sized "district" on the east coast. One of its mountains even decided to spontaneously move a large portion of itself into the atmosphere to get away from the rest of Washington. It's a fact. Go ahead and look it up.
And Oregon's state mammal could totally kick the ass of Washington's state mammal. You don't think a beaver could take on a killer whale? Puhleaze. A flabby fishy is no match for the cunning battle skills of an amphibious rodent. A beaver could easily trick a whale into beaching itself. And if this hypothetical whale made the mistake of entering a small bay? The beaver could build an enormous dam, thus trapping the whale and ultimately causing the porky competitor to slowly starve to death. Of course, this is under the assumption that the whale hasn't seen the conclusion of Free Willy which was filmed where? In Oregon, like many of the great American children's films of the late '80s and early '90s. Where were Kindergarten Cop, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 and The Goonies filmed? That's right, the Beaver State, not the Aquatic Butterball State.
As obnoxiously dunderheaded as Colbert's claims were concerning Washington vs. Oregon, he said something even more obnoxiously dunderheaded on last night's show (see the video link above) during a segment on the pitfalls of Wikipedia. That hobbit and GW lovin' schmuck called Oregon "Idaho's Portugal." Can you believe it? What nerve!
Idaho?!!! The gap-toothed, slack-jawed, drooling, no-deodorant-purchasing, red-headed step-cousin of the western states. If anything, Idaho is Oregon's Nicaragua. Or, better yet, Idaho is Oregon's, well, Idaho. Idaho doesn't even have a coastline, in fact...