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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

 

Everything I really need to know I learned from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Avast, thar be spoilers ahead but it's not too late to alter course. If you haven't seen the movie, poppet, now would be a good time to stop readin'. Arrrrr? Yarrrr.

  • Unlike their land bound cousins, zombie sea mutants can be easily defeated with a simple cutlass to the gut. They can also easily move about without a circulatory system.


  • Undead monkeys make perfect items for bartering.


  • Blow them up all you want, gigantic squids are indestructible and have the magical ability to repair or regrow their damaged tentacles in two minutes flat.


  • Dressing like a transvestite and constantly staggering around drunkenly is the perfect way to earn the respect and admiration of one's crew.


  • 17th century pirates roaming the seas surrounding the Caribbean islands rarely engaged in actual piracy. When they weren't exchanging witty banter, they spent most of their time sword fighting on water wheels and squabbling over mystical human organs.




  • Pirate dice games are incomprehensible and best avoided, especially when your immortal soul is up for grabs.


  • If you're a lanky blonde female you can still easily pass for a cabin boy if you dress the part and tuck your long, flowing hair under your hat.


  • When exploring an island, it's best to run your pirate ship aground rather than anchor it off-shore and sail in on a dingy. If you encounter trouble, you and four of your colleagues can easily drag the ship back into the ocean while being chased by angry natives.


  • If you're looking to open a business on the island of Tortuga, open a store that specializes in easily-breakable tavern furniture and oversized bottles.

  • When trying to trick a ship full of buccaneers into believing it's haunted, simply attach a dress to a rope and, while perched on the sails, swing it like a marionette. They won't think to look up and see you standing there.


  • If one of your colleagues is eaten by a giant squid, set sail for the bayou cabin of your favorite voodoo priestess. She and dozens of her mournful neighbors will be waiting outside for your arrival, waist deep in the swamp and holding candles. The light from the candles will somehow keep away alligators and leeches.


  • When in doubt, wave a sword around or blow something up.


  • If you've misplaced your father, you may be able to find him on a magical ship filled with fish/zombie/pirate/things.


  • If a sea goddess breaks your heart, tear it out of your chest, toss it in a box and bury it on a small island. This will somehow turn you into an octopus person and earn you a submersible pirate ship, the ability to force drowning sailors into indentured servitude and a giant, indestructible squid that will do your bidding. After all, there's no better way to get over a nasty break-up than by terrorizing the seven seas.


  • But be forewarned, if someone literally steals your hidden heart they'll somehow gain the ability to control you and your squid. While they'll never suspect that you might try to use your super-duper ship, your crew or the squid to steal it back, you'll probably never think of doing so anyway.


  • No one ever dies, not even that really evil pirate that keeled over in the last movie.


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