On Saturday I spent eight hours running around the jungle surrounding the perimeter of my rental cottage with an electric hedge trimmer and a strange, Japanese weed dagger with cartoon disclaimers stamped on the sheath. Believe it or not, this isn't how I typically spend my weekends. I only break them out when the yard becomes so overgrown that it starts to attract panthers and toucans.

I collapsed around dusk. Frankly, the yard looks even worse than it did before I began. Now a few days later, there's still leaves and limbs (the vegetation variety) all over the place. Apparently, I also only managed to trim half of one of the bushes. I may have been trying to trim it into the shape of a hippopotamus but, admittedly, those final hours are still a blur. At least I didn't inadvertently burn the lawn down.

Still, it looks bloomin' awful out there. This can only mean one thing: I may have to do yard work again in the near future. %$%@$!

Now I must vent my frustrations via haiku.


gawd, friggin' yard work
why must grass and bushes grow?
weeds make Jebus cry

it's 2006
yard work in this future time?
weed dagger activate!

piles of plant trash but
what to do with it all? toss
in neighbors yard? YES!

this isn't a yard
it's a jungle with a porch
tarzan on vine? jerk

weeds, sticker bushes
audrey II, roaming squirrel gangs
where's a flame thrower?

weeds, weeds, weeds, weeds, weeds,
weeds, weeds, weeds, weeds, weeds, weeds, weeds,
weeds and more weeds. shit.

what's that gurgling noise
I think this very, big bush just
ate the neighbor's cat

yard work, with its cruel
tormet- god's way of saying,
"rent an apartment"