If you live somewhere else and haven't heard the news, the sun has a vendetta against Portland. Maybe it's because a lot of people here prefer rain to balmy summer days and a pint of stout to a cool lemonade. Whatever the motives of that ball of fire in the sky, we set a record
on Sunday and earlier today. It's friggin' hot in this city, even at this late hour. It's nearly midnight and it's 87 degrees in my living room right now. Bleah.
But that doesn't quite put things into perspective. How hot has it been in Portland these past few days? Well, lemme tell you...
...it's so hot that more locals are biking to work because the steering wheels of their SUVs are hotter than Joe Mikulik's forehead. ...people are beating the heat by swimming in the Willamette. ...members of the homeless population have stripped down to their sweatshirts and wool pants....why go see An Inconvenient Truth when you look outside any given window and see the same thing instead? ...the strippers at the Acropolis are taking off their clothes...just to keep cool....local yellowjackets won't leave their hives for even the most rancid Ball Park Frank....potheads have been saving matches by pointing their pipes at the sky....The Mercury has only accused Willamette Week of plagarism once in the past week.
...ice costs almost as much as a gallon of gas
. ...no one is drinking coffee. Anywhere. In Portland.....everyone is complaining about the weather but the blogger from Jersey. ....lava monsters are thinking of moving up here, if only to piss off all the expats from California.
Feel free to comment on which of these you feel is the lamest. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stick my head in the freezer.