Someone I know is about to move into Eugene's Whitaker neighborhood. It's hardly Detroit but she's lived there before and has had her fair share of unpleasant encounters with the various anarchists, acid-casualties and meth-head thieves that populate the area. She's thinking of adopting a kitten and what better way to keep no-good-niks at bay than with a badass battle cat?

Now obviously she'll have to "raise 'em up right." For the first six months, she'll have to keep this feline on a steady diet of red, raw meat, Rockstar Energy Drink, dietary supplements and lots and lots of eggs. In addition to being trained in jungle combat and various martial arts, she'll also have to make her new pet watch the entire series run of Thundercats, both versions of Walking Tall and that episode of South Park where Cartman breaks up the "hippie jam festival."

But before all that, she'll have to pick the right name. Something that will strike fear into the hearts of anyone who dares riffle through her trash, steal her bike, wander into her house and/or pass out on her lawn. Something that would look awesome on an adorable cartoon nametag shaped like a mouse. Here are my suggestions:

Puss-In-Steel-Toed-Boots

The Eviscerator

Batmancat

The T-1000

Cthulhu

Samuel L. Jackson

Doomsday

Dirty Hairy

Count Von Mofo

Authoricat

Apollo Creed

The Enforcer

The Claw

The The

El Diablo

IT!

Johnny Rage

Snookums: Destroyer of Worlds

Darthfield

Marshal Will Kane

Sergeant Slaughter

Lieutenant John McClaine

No, Captain Chunk

President James Marshall

Kitty McKickass

Or maybe she should buy a really big dog instead.