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Tuesday, April 18, 2006
An open break-up letter to the Oregonian's circulation department
It's over. O-v-e-r. Kaput. Finished.
But it's not my fault, honest. You know I dig you, baby.
I tried to keep it going, really I did, but my workload continues to increase. I can't get away with spreading the Metro section out across my desk like I once did. I've been "talked to" by my superiors and they don't think your continuing coverage of the Foxworth scandal and Emilie Boyles' endless foibles are helping to increase productivity around the office.
That's not to say we can't keep seeing each other. There's always your online edition, which I can still use to read Margie's columns in a shrunk-down browser window. As for the print edition, sorry. No can do.
I've heard the rumors that your circulation numbers are way down, especially when it comes to readers in my age demo. I know it'll hurt but you'll be able to get by without my $14 a month. Maybe you could stop including Parade in the Sunday edition or stop paying residuals to Francesco Marciuliano. Or you could always extend that hiring "freeze" of yours through the end of the decade.
If I land a better job some day, I'll renew my subscription, I swear. Just, please stop calling me. Your goons down in the circulation department have contacted me six times* in the last two days. Six! They never leave a message. I finally called them back tonight and was put on hold due to high call volume.
There you go. High call volume. You don't need me. Bungloads of new subscribers are probably begging to have John Canzano's latest anti-Darius Miles tirade delievered to their door three times a week.
Are we cool? I've been flipping through your grey pages since way back. I just gotta lay low for a while. Why not read the print edition during my off hours or during a break? Uh...er...ummm....my cell phone is ringing again. Gotta go!
* Seriously, six times since yesterday morning and at the same times each day. The first one comes in at 10:30 AM, the second at 2:30 PM and the last one at 8 PM. The "cold shoulder" technique isn't working. I wonder how long this will continue.
Also: I considered writing this as a parody of Foxworth's emails but then thought better of it. This blog is, after all, rated a mere PG-13.