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Another Portland Blog

Thursday, February 16, 2006

 

How cold is it in Portland right now? (UPDATED on Friday afternoon with even more obnoxious one-liners)

The city is about to belly-flop into a mean cold streak. It could dip down into the teens this weekend. Temperatures that low are almost unheard of around these parts. Record low temps may send local thermometers down into the low 20s tonight.

And my furnace is still broken. As I type these words, I'm sitting in my living room in a winter coat. My space heater can't quite get the temperature in here above 58 F.

I wish I were joking.

Nobody said home rental-ship would be easy. Supposedly a repairman will be out here tomorrow morning.


So how cold is it in Portland right now?




  • It's so cold that downtown transients can't wash their undies in the Benson Bubblers. They're frozen solid.


  • It's so cold that the Portland Tribune is considering moving their headquarters again. This time from Clackamas to Tijuana.


  • It's so cold that Jake Gyllenhaal and a gang of rag-tag protagonists are trapped inside the Central Library.


  • It's so cold that the dancers at Mary's Club are only stripping down to long underwear and thermal pasties.


  • It's so cold that the only thing more frosty than the wind chill factor is the Blazers' win/loss record.


  • It's so cold that local meth heads are lighting up their pipes just to keep warm.


  • It's so cold that Portland Mercury editor Wm. Steven Humphrey finally invested in not just one toupee but two (sorry, Humpy. Not that you'll ever see these words...).


  • It's so cold that it's a "three dog night." Or, as Neil Goldschmidt might say, it's a "three teeny-bopper night."


  • It's so cold that crazed, axe-wielding patriarchs don't have to drive up to Timberline Lodge to chase their families around.


  • It's so cold that former mayor Vera Katz's face has turned white, finally completing her transformation into the Joker (click here if you don't believe me).




  • It's so cold that the animals at the Washington Park Zoo are killing their furry neighbors just so they can crawl inside their corpses Han Solo-style. And you thought Packy the elephant smelled bad...on the outside.


  • It's so cold that the Republican Party has already ruled out holding their convention in Portland come 2008. Reason why? "Cause it gets this cold again, Vice President Cheney's tiny, frozen heart would have to be thawed out with a hairdryer.


  • It's so cold that local leprechaun mountain climbers are trying to reach the top of Ha Seung-Jin.

  • It's so cold that suburbanites in Beaverton are finally tearing the price tags off their Columbia Sportswear jackets and overpriced REI gloves.


  • It's so cold that the nipples of voluptuous KPDX spokeswoman/local media mogul Daria O'Neil have been classified as dangerous weapons by the Department of Homeland Security.


  • It's so cold that the good folks at Voodoo Doughnut have invented a new doughnut for shivering patrons: maple bars filled with hot buttered rum.

    And from the home office in Burlingame, the number one way to convey how cold it is in Portland...




  • Latest crisis to hit the doomed OHSU tram project? Abominable Snowman attack!


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