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Friday, February 10, 2006
This just in: everything sucks.
Robert Ivans, a representative from the American Institute of Sucktitude announced today that "everything sucks." In a six month examination that focused on everything from the climate of national politics to culture and spending habits, the group determined that the United States' overall condition matches levels not seen since the early 1970s.
"Right now I'd say the US is about where it was in 1970 or 1971," said Ivans. "We were still stuck in Vietnam, Nixon was at the height of his power and it's the year Hendrix, Joplin and Morrison all died. Those years most certainly sucked."
The AIS uses a meter, outlined below, similar to DEFCON or the national threat level to rate the nation's current state of "all around suckiness." The institute has determined that the US is currently at level two.
Level 0 - Willy J. Clinton's first term
Level 1 - Ronald Reagan's first term.
Level 2 - Richard Nixon's first term
Level 3 - The Depression
Level 4 - The Civil War
Level 5 - The fall of Rome
Level 6 - The Bubonic Plague
"As a nation we're still pretty low," Ivan's admitted. "But that doesn't change the fact that everything still sucks."
The AIS pointed to evidence ranging from the ongoing conflict in Iraq, continued fallout from Hurricane Katrina, violent protests over Danish editorial cartoons, the Justice Department's subpoena of Google, that global network of secret prisons, the administration's unapologetic use of illegal wiretaps, numerous political scandals that never seem to knock Cheney and Bush out of office, a proposed federal budget that will slash funding for just about everything in order to pave way for continued tax cuts for the rich and the mere existence of Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone."
"If you hear even two seconds of that infernal song it'll get stuck in your head for a week," said Ivans. "It's pure evil. At least music during the Nixon-era was tolerable and emblematic of the times."
"Oh, and did you hear about those speed radars that may soon be installed in reflective road markers," Ivans added. "I read about those in the January issue of 'Wired.' It's like we're living in an oppressive Orwellian dystopia or 'Aeon Flux' but without all the hot revolutionaries running around in skintight leather."
The institute claimed the Bush administration is to blame for the majority of the nation's problems and its forecasts for the rest of the decade were dire. "If the president has gotten away with this much and still hasn't been impeached, he won't be going anywhere before 2008," said Institute president Ty Lookwell. "The Midterm elections? Puhleaze. Myself, I plan on spending the next three years hiding under my desk with the entire run of 'Growing Pains' on DVD."
"I'd move to Canada but I heard they just elected a conservative Prime Minister," Lookwell added. "This is a decade I'd just like to sleep through. Wake me up when 2010 gets here."
The two agreed that things aren't all bad. "Did you read those articles about the forest that was discovered in Indonesia," Ivans said. "The tree kangaroo they found is flippin' sweet."
But Ivans' optimism was short lived. "Ah, wait. Some development group will probably come around and tear out all the trees soon. And we still have forces in Afghanistan, don't we? And gas prices are going up again. And the Xbox 360 stinks. And 'Arrested Development' is still cancelled. Arrrrgh! Everything sucks!"
Lookwell concluded the AIS' press conference with an option that may deviate America's increasing suckiness level.
"We might jump down a level if they legalized pot or something," Lookwell said.
-The Associated Press
To read the AIS' last report, click here.