Since the rise of Netflix I haven't made too many trips across the river to Movie Madness, AKA every Portlander's favorite video store. While Netflix may have effectively made traditional video outlets obsolete, there are still plenty of films it doesn't have in its catalog. Take, for example, Roger Corman's never-released adaptation of "The Fantastic Four." Movie Madness still has the local market cornered when it comes to bootlegs of long forgotten superhero films and out-of-print "classics" like "Never Too Young to Die."

The other night I went search of a copy of Corman's contribution to the ongoing onslaught of comic book adaptations but found the front entrance to Movie Madness locked. Taped on the door was a message: "Closing at 6 PM due to the death of one of our employees."

Yikes.

Heading home empty handed, I stopped at the Plaid Pantry further down Belmont. Inside was a punk chick in a jean jacket with a gigantic US soldier patch on the back. She was also proudly displaying a belt made out of bullets. Maybe this is her way of supporting the troops. Beats another faded ribbon magnet, I guess.

The bullets were huge and looked like they came from the clip of a WW2-era machine gun. Now I've never pierced my face, covered my belly to my neck in tattoos or have even worn gel in my hair. My own little minute act of fashion rebellion is limited to wearing a novelty belt. Suddenly, my own pants holder-upper, made out of an old GM seatbelt, was rendered 15 times less interesting. The bar for novelty belts has apparently been raised since I last went belt shopping.

Now I could jump on the internet and buy myself a bullet belt off eBay for a mere $15 but they're probably already considered passe among belt aficionados. If I want to keep up with all the punks and novelty belt enthusiasts out there, I clearly need to step things up a notch.

Maybe a live snake would make a nice belt. Or one made out of beef jerky. Or genuine dolphin intestines. Or kittens!

Ok, the rest of this blog post has been cancelled. Once you roll out a lame kitten/belt joke, it's probably best to just call it a night. From dead video store clerks to this in just a few paragraphs. Portland, you're one hell of a muse.