Two stop-motion films are currently showing in theaters across Portland and, as different as they are, there's some definite similarities. Both "The Corpse Bride" and "The Curse of the Were-Rabbit" were shot in the UK, involve the supernatural and costar the kooky chick from "Fight Club."

But which is the better all-clay, full-length, animated motion picture? Let the critics decide. Insetead, which allegedly family-friendly flick is more likely to send super-conservative parents fleeing into the parking lot in search of their glovebox Bibles? Let's look at a few vital stats, shall we? WARNING: minor spoilers.

# of Main Characters "Partnered" With an Anthropomorphic Dog

Bride: 0.

Were-Rabbit: 1.

Winner: Were-Rabbit.

Inappropriate Underlying Theme That'll Make Parents Squirm

Bride: Necrophillia.
Were-Rabbit: Genetic manipulation. Oh, and bestiality.

Winner: The Corpse Bride.

Inappropriate Joke That'll Make Parents Squirm Again

Bride: A crowd of zombies storm into a cathedral and tell-off a priest.

Were-Rabbit: Walllace finds himself wearing a box as undwear. Stamped on the side: "may contain nuts."

Winner: The Corpse Bride

Sluttiest Heroine

Bride: The scantily-clad, home-wreckin' Corpse Bride.

Were-Rabbit: Lady Campanula Tottington, a spinstress with a passion for carrot costumes and cylindrical vegetables in general.

Winner: The Corpse Bride.

Number of Scenes Featuring "Bunny Love"

Bride: 0.

Were-Rabbit: Numerous.

Winner: Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Number of Times Each Film Subverts Christian Dogma by Placing the Characters in an Underworld Filled with Singing Skeletons and Jazz Bars Instead of Fire and Devils and Stuff Like That

Bride: Lots.

Were-Rabbit: Zip.

Winner: The Corpse Bride.

# of Characters Voiced by Helena "I Haven't Been...Since Grade School" Bonham-Carter:

Bride: 1.
Were-Rabbit: 1.

Winner: Draw.

Number of Undead Characters That Get Plastered on Bottles of Poison

Bride: At least 10.

Were-Rabbit: None.

Winner: The Corpse Bride.

Number of Characters Obsessed With Growing Incredibly Large Vegetables in Order to Win a Gilded, uh, Carrot

Bride: 0.

Were-Rabbit: An entire town.

Winner: Were-Rabbit.

And the overall winner? It's a draw. This just goes to show that you should never expose your children to pop-culture and that these films should not be viewed by anyone under the age of 37.