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Thursday, July 28, 2005


Beans, beans, the magical fruit

I bought a box of something called ""Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans" at Powell's recent release party for the new Harry Potter book. It's been sitting in my bag for a week. What better way to pass an evening spent trapped in a cubicle then with a box of jelly beans?

Ok, there's roughly three million other things I could be doing right now, among them an extensive internet search for a better job. But this isn't your average box of jelly beans. Much like in the books/movies, the content's flavors range from "cherry" and "apple" to "bacon" and "earthworm." Recorded in real time below are my reactions to more disgusting beans as I bite into them; edited later for grammar and spelling but pure flow of conscious.

THE SARDINE BEAN: Eh, bleah....no, wait, not bad. Not bad at all. This tastes like a tuna roll dipped in sugar. Whenever scientists finally figure out the whole "Meal in a Pill" thing maybe this is what sushi capsules will taste like. Well, that's just super. I've just consumed the taste equivalent of future sushi. Didn't expect to be doing that tonight.

THE BLACK PEPPER BEAN: Oh, God. This one's awful....tastes just like pepper. The designers behind these aren't screwing around. Not a good sign, given the flavors of the rest of the beans on this list. The gelatin inside the bean...sort of like a pepper-flavored Jello. Bleah...this one's going straight in the trash.

THE BACON BEAN: Hmmm...synthetic bacon. This tastes like imitation bacon as designed by a robot. Like that conversation in the Matrix:. "Do the machines know what Tasty Wheat tastes like? Or does Tasty Wheat in the Matrix taste like something else?" Whatever. This bean sucks. Into the trash!

THE EARWAX BEAN: Like a dusty marshmallow dipped in cinnamon...not that I know what a dusty marshmallow dipped in cinnamon tastes like. If this is what they do taste like they're pretty good. But does *real* earwax have the same odd yet pleasant flavor? I don't know. I've never tried earwax. Dare I eat some of my own for the sake of this blog post? Sure, why not but what if one my coworkers catches me? Meh, that's their problem. Nothing in the Employee Code of Conduct about earwax consumption. Here goes....hmmmm...well, that's a whole new taste sensation. Not awful but by no means good. I think I'll wash my mouth out with Mountain Dew now.

THE DIRT BEAN: Yup. This one's absolutely terrible. Probably just what dirt tastes like. Why am I doing this? Curse you, J.K Rowling! I wouldn't be in this mess if weren't for your meddlesome, highly-derivative novels for children of all ages!

THE GRASS BEAN: How many more of these can I take? There's four more disgusting beans to get through. I've got to stay strong. I can get through this. If Lance Armstrong can win a million Tour de France's with just one ball and if George W. Bush can become president with just brain cell...oh, God. Now I writing banal political gags that even Randy Rhodes would turn her nose up at. The beans must be responsible. Nevertheless, I must press onwards. OK, grass bean. Do your worst. OK, you taste like lettuce. Not bad. Nowhere near good. Just kinda, sorta like lettuce.

THE EARTHWORM BEAN: Oh...ah, man...bleah. %@#$!#!#$! $@#!@! $!@!#$!!!!!! Pure sadism waiting like a hungry cheetah in a jelly bean. Tastes like what raw hamburger meat left outside on a hot day in Tiajuana must taste like. Or at least the artificially-flavored equivalent. Did someone at the bean factory actually eat a worm and mix various ingredients to create the closest flavor? If this is what worms taste like I HATE WORMS!

THE ROTTEN EGG BEAN: How much worse can these beans get? Here goes...wait. This a lemon bean. Wow, somehow I'm disappointed. I guess I'll never know what a rotten egg flavored jelly bean tastes like.

THE SOAP BEAN: Yeah, this one tastes like soap. Just like the Ivory Soap my mother once made me stick in mouth after overhearing me say the word "shit." I wonder if mothers that still employ this form of punishment look at the bottles for disclaimers and warnings. Has a child ever vomited on a parent after getting stuck with this punishment? Or become extremely ill? Wait, I think this issue was addressed in Jean Shepard's movie version of a A Christmas Story and the author's research was inconclusive. Whatever. Wow...thanks for making relive an unpleasant moment from childhood, jelly bean makers!

Well, that was fun.

No, wait. No. No it wasn't.

So I missed out on the rotten egg bean. Also missing from the box were two other nauseating flavors: "vomit" and "booger."

Maybe eating a vomit-flavored jelly bean would have been a life-altering event. The sort of incident that would inadvertently send me down a path towards winning a dozen Nobel Prizes or a NBA championship ring or eight years in the New Mexico Governor's Mansion. Now I'll never know.


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