No, not Chrisma-kwan-haun-zikah, it's time for the second annual Portland Mercury Online Charity Gift Auction. Among the items an activities up for grabs is the original Fight Club manuscript, the opportunity to design the front cover of an issue and spend an afternoon with editor Wm. Steven Humphrey.

The first two are up to well over $300 but the last one is sitting at a measly $36. Presuming this figure holds (it won't), I could actually swing it. If I somehow won the auction, I would get to choose between skeet shooting, boxing or playing golf with him.

Now does my interest in this particular auction have anything to do with being turned down for this? Naw, I just want to beat someone important at golf (honest!). Why not go shooting or jump in the ring with Humphrey? The last time I went fired a gun I wound up with this and he no doubt fights like a feral pitbull.

Or maybe I should focus my efforts on getting former mayoral candidate Phil Busse to clean my toilet. That one is currently hovering around the $20 mark.