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Another Portland Blog

Tuesday, November 09, 2004


Review: The Incredibles

(NOTE FROM ME: My workload has picked up in recent weeks and I'm falling behind on a few of my blogging duties. In an effort to keep on schedule, I've decided to outsource Welcome to Blog's movie reviews. This one was written by Jeremy, the 11 year old son of a coworker. All it cost me was half a pack of American Spirits and a copy of the Laura Prepon issue of Maxim. If all goes according to plan, this entire thing will be contracted out to various middle schoolers by the end of the quarter, leaving me more time to play Super Nintendo ROMS while preserving the current, juvenile level of blogging you've come to enjoy. The opinions of Jeremy do not necessarily reflect those of the editor of Welcome to Blog).

Hey there, assholes. My name is Jeremy and I'm going to write this review of The Incredibles. Some jerk coworker of my Mom gave me a bungload of stuff and all I have to do is come up with 500 words on this cartoon I saw on Saturday.

Woah, that's 48 right there. This is going to be so easy. Now I'm up to 64. Hey, 64 was number 65!

OK, OK, OK, the Incredibles was pretty cool but pretty boring too. The Incredibles are a family of superheroes like the ones on Teen Titans and they fly around. Or they did fly around until this one guy tried to kill himself but then got all pissed when the dad superhero tried to save him. He sued him and this lead to all the superheroes losing their jobs. At the start of the movie, the Incredibles are sad because they have to hide their powers and can't fly around. Oh yeah, the Mom can stretch really far, the son can run really fast and the daughter can turn invisible.

I didn't get her at all. What was her deal? She was sadder than the rest of the Incredibles because some boy at school didn't want to make out with her. She reminded me of this one girl in my social studies class. She's always drawing unicorns on her folder and never talks to anybody. Her unicorns suck so me and my friends jammed Gogurt in her hair during a test on the War of 1812. It was hilarious but our teacher nearly crapped all over herself. We got detention for three days but it was soooo worth it. She couldn't get the Gogurt out and had to cut off most of her hair. Now she looks like a boy and the girls keep pushing her out of the locker room during gym class.

Back to the movie. The dad superhero lands a job working for a secret agency on a tropical island. This is the best part because the bad guys lair is super cool. You know those heads on those islands in Australia? He's got those things sitting in his dining room. Even better, that room has a huge waterfall of lava that turns into a hallway when people need to get in there. And he has a another room where he can toss people into a force field.

The bad guy can control these big robots that look like basketballs and he has rockets in his shoes and lazers on his arms. When I get out of high school, I'm so totally going to get a jumpsuit like that. That way I can track down Zack. He's this dickwad in my pre-Algebra class that's always spitting on me. I want to beat him up but he's, like, 300,000 feet tall. He broke this one kid Kyle's arm after he accidentally dropped a slice of pizza on his Pumas. Every Wednesday, we get pepperoni pizza brought into the cafeteria. It's made by Pizza Hut and it's really good but it cost $2 bucks. Total rip-off.

OK, I was gonna tell you all about Trey and more about The Incredibles but I've already got 500 words. Go see this cartoon because it kicks ass, way more ass than A Shark's Tale and that stupid movie about the green ogre and Pussy in Boots, er, Puss in Boots.

I said pussy. HA! HA! HA!

The Incredibles: 8.5 cascading lavafalls out of 10.

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