I'm back in the US. Not because I want to be, mind you. I was hoping to score a job as a male prostitute over there but it didn't work out. I checked the listings at a job center near the Imperial Palace and, would you believe it, there wasn't a single posting for an international gigolo of mystery.

So, yeah, I really did go to Tokyo but I didn't head straight there. I sat out the rest of the GOP convention in Los Angeles where news from NYC was easy to ignore amidst all the roller coasters, palm trees and rampant street crime they have down there. Bush's speech? I'm drawing a blank. Cheney's inevitable tirade? I couldn't tell you a thing about it. I was buzzing around Bel-Air during the Main Event, completely obvious to the nightmarish prospect of "Four more years!" pouring out of Madison Square Garden. I had bigger things to worry about that night: tracking down the Fresh Prince's old digs and finding a route back to Sunset Boulevard.

Anyway, I lived in a media-free bubble for a fortnight and, let me tell ya', ignorance is bliss. So I was feeling great until I got back to the states on Saturday at dawn and was greeted by this little snippet.

Ugh.

If "Walker, Texas Mangler" is re-elected on November 2nd I'll be on the next plane back to Narita. If necessary, I'll live like a troll in the forests surrounding the Meiji Shrine.

That said, I spent all of last speak honing my debate skills at the Kabukicho branch of the Bill O'Reily Political Discourse World Learning Center (or BRPDWLC for short). I put my new skills to the test during a field trip to Tokyo Disneyland. See below.

Tim drops by occasionally to lambaste my political leanings and...just about everything else in Welcome to Blog's talkback boards. Why should I calmly and coolly debate him when I can fight back with a barrage of "shut up!"s? Or, even better, a quick "fuck you, Tim"? My instructor gave me an A for taking O'Reily's teachings to the next level. I passed the one-week seminar with flying colors. In a few short weeks, I may have my on talk show on Fox News. Here's another one:

On a different but somehow still the same topic, here's a picture of a store in the Kabukicho district that sold nothing but contraceptives. Take note of the happy neon cartoon condom guy hanging over the door.

Go ahead, say that four times fast: "happy neon cartoon condom guy"..."happy neon cartoon condom guy"..."happy neon cartoon condom guy"..."happy neon barpoon"...dammmit!

And here's a picture of a banjo video game in Shibuya's five-story Sony arcade. I couldn't make it past the first level. As a Nihongo "GAME OVER" spelled out in twigs rolled on the screen, the game's overall-clad raccoons ridiculed me.

I'll be start regularly posting the usual nonsense later this week when I'm back to sleeping regularly (%#%! jet lag) and no longer overstimulated ($#@!#! streets lined with 10-story neon signs). These shots are just the tip of the tip of the iceberg. I snapped around 950 pictures in the last two weeks and have enough fodder stored on various memory cards to fuel a half-dozen features ranging from ridiculous Japanese advertisements to carnival rides at the Santa Monica pier to infiltrating the New York Skybar (Bill Murray made it look so easy. It ain't). If Shanna passes along any of the 600 she took, the tagline for this blog will officially become "Tokyo. J-Pop. Poly-tics."

Until then, there is links.

Would you like to see what a $92,000 Hello Kitty figurine looks like? Click here.

What is "Comike"? What are the rules? Whatever it is, here are the rejected contestants.

'70s-era Disney costumes? Click here.

Johnny Knoxville and grin king Seann William Scott may or may not be jumping into the General Lee for a Dukes of Hazzard movie. Who will play Daisy Duke? The studio is eager to sign Jessica Simpson. Boss Hogg? Maybe Burt Reynolds.

Must sleep now.

Wait, I'm at work.

Meh.

Must sleep now.