April 2011

Another blog. About Portland. And other stuff too.

about | archives | twitter | flickr | potma | iphone snapshots | facebook | yelp
rss feed | youtube | links | the burning log


Questions? Comments? Reservations?
anotherportlandblog[at]gmail[dot]com

Another Portland Blog

Saturday, September 25, 2004

 

But where's the bat-a-rangs and invisible jets?




Empty this little vial of magic into a hot drink or food, wait about 10 minutes, then stand back. The natural herb contained in this potent elixir causes major, and uncontrollable "natural gas" eruptions to emanate from your mark. No matter how hard your mark ties to hold back, there's no stopping these embarrassing eruptions. A perfect way to give the arrogant a lesson in humility, -- especially when applied at a serious social setting. Warning: Not to be used on others without their consent. $9.95


For this, and other fun products and half-hearted legal disclaimers, have a look at spymall.com, if only for the peculiar Brandon Enterprises logo. It's nice to see my first name finally associated with rampant testosterone after years being dragged through pop cultural emasculation. Think of other famous "Brandons." What springs to mind? I'm willing to bet it's Jason Priestley’s baby blues on Beverly Hills 90210 or Punky Brewster's adorable mutt.




Self-effacing, "I'm bored and stuck at work on a Saturday" digressions aside, if James Bond included flatuence drops in his arsenal I'd run out to Best Buy and snatch all those Xbox 007 games. Spy Mall, which is news to me but has apparently been around for years, has an extensive selection up for grabs in its downright scary but simultaneously oh-so-cool "revenge" department. If making your victim fart uncontrollably isn't your cup of napalm tea, how about a wrong number generator, a concoction that will supposedly make them feel like they're being attacked by fire ants or..."The Evacuator." Here's the description, which, well, read it for yourself.




The "Evacuator" is made from a unique natural bark which is then ground into a fine powder. When mixed into a marks food or drink, the active ingredient will cause total, uncontrollable, "evacuation" via the natural route. (The term "Evacuation" means that this chemical causes the victims bowels to purge or empty...) Stand CLEAR! Warning: Not to be used on others without their consent. $12.95


Are these devices actually for real or just the survivalist-equivalent of Spanish Fly? Meh, I'm willing to put all my chips on the later.

Along with these incredibly cruel toys, the site offers an extensive selection of body armor and "ANY GUN! Just 10% over dealer's cost." Spy Mall's "automotive division" pitches custom-install for anit-ballistics, battering rams and oil-slick systems.

Maybe it's that I grew up in the bosom of one of America's most liberal, anti-gun cities but I'm still half-convinced the site is a joke. I went through the process of purchasing a pair of Russian army night vision goggles (on sale for $399!), expecting the gag to finally reveal itself. Instead, Spy Mall prompted me for a credit card number and my mailing address.

I guess it's nice to know there are places like this out there...and that my name is stamped all over it. I am Brandon, hear me roar!

*meow*

Comments: Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]



Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home


SEARCH THIS BLOG? SURE, NO PROBLEMO, AS BART SIMPSON USED TO SAY....





www.flickr.com




-archives-

  • October 2003
  • November 2003
  • December 2003
  • January 2004
  • February 2004
  • March 2004
  • April 2004
  • May 2004
  • June 2004
  • July 2004
  • August 2004
  • September 2004
  • October 2004
  • November 2004
  • December 2004
  • January 2005
  • February 2005
  • March 2005
  • April 2005
  • May 2005
  • June 2005
  • July 2005
  • August 2005
  • September 2005
  • October 2005
  • November 2005
  • December 2005
  • January 2006
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • May 2006
  • June 2006
  • July 2006
  • August 2006
  • September 2006
  • October 2006
  • November 2006
  • December 2006
  • January 2007
  • February 2007
  • March 2007
  • April 2007
  • May 2007
  • June 2007
  • July 2007
  • August 2007
  • September 2007
  • October 2007
  • November 2007
  • December 2007
  • January 2008
  • February 2008
  • March 2008
  • April 2008
  • May 2008
  • June 2008
  • July 2008
  • August 2008
  • September 2008
  • October 2008
  • November 2008
  • December 2008
  • January 2009
  • February 2009
  • March 2009
  • April 2009
  • May 2009
  • June 2009
  • July 2009
  • August 2009
  • October 2009
  • November 2009
  • December 2009
  • January 2010
  • February 2010
  • March 2010
  • April 2010
  • August 2010
  • September 2010
  • October 2010
  • November 2010
  • January 2011
  • February 2011
  • March 2011
  • April 2011

  • Clicky Web Analytics


    This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?