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Saturday, September 25, 2004
But where's the bat-a-rangs and invisible jets?
Empty this little vial of magic into a hot drink or food, wait about 10 minutes, then stand back. The natural herb contained in this potent elixir causes major, and uncontrollable "natural gas" eruptions to emanate from your mark. No matter how hard your mark ties to hold back, there's no stopping these embarrassing eruptions. A perfect way to give the arrogant a lesson in humility, -- especially when applied at a serious social setting. Warning: Not to be used on others without their consent. $9.95
For this, and other fun products and half-hearted legal disclaimers, have a look at spymall.com, if only for the peculiar Brandon Enterprises logo. It's nice to see my first name finally associated with rampant testosterone after years being dragged through pop cultural emasculation. Think of other famous "Brandons." What springs to mind? I'm willing to bet it's Jason Priestley’s baby blues on Beverly Hills 90210 or Punky Brewster's adorable mutt.
Self-effacing, "I'm bored and stuck at work on a Saturday" digressions aside, if James Bond included flatuence drops in his arsenal I'd run out to Best Buy and snatch all those Xbox 007 games. Spy Mall, which is news to me but has apparently been around for years, has an extensive selection up for grabs in its downright scary but simultaneously oh-so-cool "revenge" department. If making your victim fart uncontrollably isn't your cup of napalm tea, how about a wrong number generator, a concoction that will supposedly make them feel like they're being attacked by fire ants or..."The Evacuator." Here's the description, which, well, read it for yourself.
The "Evacuator" is made from a unique natural bark which is then ground into a fine powder. When mixed into a marks food or drink, the active ingredient will cause total, uncontrollable, "evacuation" via the natural route. (The term "Evacuation" means that this chemical causes the victims bowels to purge or empty...) Stand CLEAR! Warning: Not to be used on others without their consent. $12.95
Are these devices actually for real or just the survivalist-equivalent of Spanish Fly? Meh, I'm willing to put all my chips on the later.
Along with these incredibly cruel toys, the site offers an extensive selection of body armor and "ANY GUN! Just 10% over dealer's cost." Spy Mall's "automotive division" pitches custom-install for anit-ballistics, battering rams and oil-slick systems.
Maybe it's that I grew up in the bosom of one of America's most liberal, anti-gun cities but I'm still half-convinced the site is a joke. I went through the process of purchasing a pair of Russian army night vision goggles (on sale for $399!), expecting the gag to finally reveal itself. Instead, Spy Mall prompted me for a credit card number and my mailing address.
I guess it's nice to know there are places like this out there...and that my name is stamped all over it. I am Brandon, hear me roar!