Random observations on last night's MTV Music Video Awards:

- The crowd waved cell phones instead of lighters as Jessica Simpson performed. I feel so old watching this but at least I'm not waving a cell phone instead of a lighter on MTV.

- D12? Alicia Keys? Jojo? Various moppets with the last name of "Simpson"? I thought rock was back in style. The least the organizers could have done was nominate Jet for every nearly everything.

- Enough with Tony Hawk, already. He and his fellow professional skateboarders slide up and down ramps. There's no score to keep and skateboarding it isn't a sport. Unless Hawk learns how to dunk a basketball, keep him off TV unless he's hawking the latest installment of Underground.

- John Stewart: "Wow, what a night it's been. Actually, I'm lying. This was taped. I have no idea what's going on."

- Neat robot out front but what was that giant toilet brush thing behind the stage?

- A poem:

Sarah Jessica Parker in 30 different outfits
Lenny Kravitz adding "corporate shill" to his long list of crimes against music
A florescent Gap ad
Every single commercial break

This is what the third circle of hell looks like
Wait, this isn't Kravitz's first commercial

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeech!

- Why was Bruce Willis in the front row? Did he stop by to grab a bag of coke and couldn't quite find his way out of the auditorium?

- Poor Sasquatch had to give his Moon Man statue to Yellowcard. Their video beat Modest Mouse's "Float On" for the MTV 2 award. The later was a majestic, metaphor-filled romp through an artsy-fartsy, turn of the century slaughterhouse. The former? Yet another tired video for the latest Blink 182 Xerox. This is the only forum in which a band like Yellowcard could beat the likes of Modest Mouse and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at anything...except in regards to radio airplay, Billboard chart positioning, high profile tours...God, the music industry sucks.

- Beastie Boys: you are not Devo and you're not painting any houses. Enough with the jumpsuits.

- Where did Polyphonic Spree come from? And will they all kill themselves when the next high-profile comet passes Earth?

- Another poem:

Uh-oh.
Wayne Coyne is in his bubble again
Big head of hair, beard
He's furry, sort of like hamster
Makes sense
Doesn't he look adorable?

- Outkast wins yet another award, its 976,098th this year alone. Andre 3000: "For the millionth time, goddamit....HEY YA! HEY YA!" Red and blue balloons fall from the ceiling. Kids wave "vote!" signs. How many of them are too young to do so? Background dancers sputter and spin into neon election booths in the background.
If it weren't for GW, I would not vote in the upcoming election, just to spite to MTV and their noxious "Choose or loose" campaign.

- Kurt Loder is still alive? And on MTV? Isn't this the network that ditches musicians and VJs the second they hit puberty? MTV is worse than the civilization in Logan's Run yet Loder is still around doing wrap parties. How many deals with the devil did he have to sign to get this lifetime gig? Or does he have a photo of two aliens making out?