The winner of last week's C2 essay contest is...TIM! Yeaaaaaaaaah! Woo hoo! Hooray! Etc! Here's his vile, disgusting submission, which will no doubt burn your eyes and make hair grow on your palms:

"First, I shall place one can into a plain white coozie. I will then take this can out for dinner and dancing at McGrath’s Fish House here in Eugene, followed by a late evening of watching Bond movies and sipping each other lovingly by the fire. A second (and possibly third and fourth) can I shall chill in my refrigerator for no less than 48 hours, then I will take them out, place them into my mini-cooler, and drive to the home of this girl I’m trying to sleep with. After softening up her inhibitions with one can of sweet cola-flavored social lubricant, we will engage in the sort of sex-acts that get one banned from the aquarium while we shower each other in Coke’s newest concoction.

The remaining cans shall be taken out into the desert, high above the valley floor, and put out of their misery with the aid of my buddy John’s antique Mauser, provided we can find ammo for it. In want of ammo for the Mauser, we will resort to a .22 semi-automatic rifle and a baseball bat. Take that Dr. Atkins, you fat fuck, take that."

With any luck, winning this contest will turn Tim away from a life of lurid sex and violent debaurchy. Perhaps it will serve as a religious awaking for him. Maybe Tim will turn to the good Lord for guidance and convert to the Mormon faith by Friday. It's OK to cry, Tim. Everybody hurts sometimes.

Either that, or he'll blow up the cans in some sort of sick desert ritual. Whatever.

Runner up: Juanathan for his essay on turning Coke cans into hook hands. Wow, that rhymes. So what does he win for his efforts? Not a damn thing. Congrats, Juanatahn!

Tim, to accept your prize, 11 cans of C2, send me an email at the address above. I'll have them on the next plane to wherever you are, stat.

Thanks to everyone who participated. There will be another contest next week but I can't think of a prize. You should do this for me. Be a pal and fire off your suggestions in the comments area below.