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Another Portland Blog

Saturday, July 10, 2004

 

I am a very special homeboy in the middle of a very special mystery




Last night, while driving through Beaverton traffic, I got this "message" from Hilary Duff:

"Here's a fairy tale story staring the HOTTEST new celebrity around, you. You see, once upon a time there was a very special homeboy named Brandon, who lived in the enchanting, magical mystical land called Oregon. He wore only the finest clothes like Major Flirt mini-skirts and spent most of the time doing really adventurous things, like inventing TOTALLY brilliant new ways to skip class. Cleary, something missing until, magically, he met the love of his life, a homeboy named Booty-licious B, who fell in love with his TOTALLY irresistible half man/half boy peach fuzz and they lived happily ever after."

At the end of the message, Hilary does a quick ad for her new movie, A Cinderella Story, and offers a URL that explains everything. At the official Warner Brothers site, there's a feature that allows visitors to send freaky personalized Hilary messages (click on the phone).

OK, which one of you is responsible for this? If your goal was to see if I would post something about this, OF COURSE I would post something about this.

Time to play Sherlock.

"Booty-licious B" is an obvious red herring and that tells me nothing. Who have I given my phone number to recently? I included it in the Mercury app but I'm sure Stephen Humphrey, who no doubt has an enemies list longer than the Nile, has better things to do than send Electro Hilary after a blogger peon like me. The message was sent yesterday morning at 10:30. Flog wouldn't be awake at that hour. This leaves three suspects:

Pooeyhoo
WWB
Shanna

As of now, suspect #1 is WWB. With a heart full of vengence, I tried to arrange a similar Electro Hilary attack but (fortunately for him) I lost interest. He would have heard that message while drunk and riding a DC subway later tonight. If he's not the culprit, it would likely scare the hell out of him. Either way, I win.

Oh well.

Anyway, you three have until noon Monday to bring the perpetrator forward. If not, all of you will receive late night messages from Electro Hilary, who will prattle on, at length, about your "TOTALLY fresh stylin'!" Mwahahahahahhahha!

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