Donors are needed at the OHSU Sperm Bank

Healthy, 20-39 year old individuals of all ethnic origins are encouraged to inquire.

Minimum requirements:
One year university level education, non-smoker, able to participate for at least one year. Compensation provided.

Please call our recorded message 503-418-3780 for further information.

That scene in Jackass: The Movie was probably the final nail in the coffin for ironic trips to sperm banks. Just about every "edgy" publication in the world has sent a staff member (groan) off to report on them. Still, there's one reason why I'm thinking of calling that number:

Well, money. What? Did you think I would throw out a more clever reason like having a huge number of potential kidney donors out there in case I need spare parts someday?

With my Nosferatu-esque looks, a gung-ho nurse would no doubt try to stab me with a chair leg ala Buffy when I showed for the first appointment. I've always wondered about that aspect of the business. How do they explain to certain potential donors that they're too fugly to be hired? I'm sure there's some sort of time-tested procedure.

Nope, I don't think my ego can handle that sort of rejection. But that shouldn't stop the rest of you from dialing the number.