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Friday, June 11, 2004
On this national day of mourning...
...I present to you, ladies and the gentlemen, the Ronald Reagan Memorial Penis Donut.
It's Rose Festival time here in Portland and the streets downtown are clogged with drunken sailors and...chicks trolling for drunken sailors. The Navy ships arrived on Wednesday. Last night, I fought my way through hoards of seamen and PSU coeds to get to the penis donut.
Ok, stop for second. Look at the previous sentence carefully. I guarantee this is the only time it's appeared, anywhere, in print.
That said, I parked in front of a yellow fire hydrant. 3rd Avenue looked like a Navy-hosted Mardi Gras as I made my way over to Voodoo Donut. You can imagine the awkwardness when I asked the girl behind the counter, "Can I have the Ronald Reagan penis donut, please" in front of a line of other patrons. "Enjoy your cock and balls," she cheerfully said, as if the phrase was as banal and common as "thank you."
Somehow it seemed appropriate to pose the donut with Gizmo. Doesn't he look sad? Poor little mogwai. He's an emotional, patriotic train wreck.
Now I've got this thing in the fridge and I'm not sure what to do with it. I think I may leave it on my neighbor's doorstep. If there was ever a US Olympic Scowling Team, he'd be a shoe-in. Just think what thoughts would roll around his head when he got a look at that thing.
And now a quick PDX history lesson, compliments of Chuck Palahniuk's Fugitives and Refugees. Keep reading. You'll like this. I promise. At the very least, it will explain the "Little Beruit" reference above.
"Those were the good old days, when Ronald Reagan and George Bush (the elder) dreaded coming here so much they called Portland "Little Beruit." A presidential whistle-stop meant anarchists would gather along SW Broadway, outside the president's suite at the Hilton Hotel. They'd eat mashed potatoes, regular white ones, or potatoes dyed red or blue with food coloring. Then, when the motorcade arrived, they drank Syrup of Ipecac and puked big Red, White and Blue barf puddles all over the hotel.
Okay, okay, what nobody knew is stomach acid makes blue food coloring turn green. So it looked like a protest against Italy. It's the thought that counts.
Sigh. The only trouble with the fringe is, it does tend to unravel."
Here's to you, Ronnie. I know you're up there in Heaven, shaking your pompadour at all us sinners. To you I cheerfully "extend" this commemorative penis donut. Cheers!