April 2011

Another blog. About Portland. And other stuff too.

about | archives | twitter | flickr | potma | iphone snapshots | facebook | yelp
rss feed | youtube | links | the burning log


Questions? Comments? Reservations?
anotherportlandblog[at]gmail[dot]com

Another Portland Blog

Saturday, May 29, 2004

 

Reptile Attack! pt. 2

Finally, the oft-delayed conclusion to the nail-biting cliff-hanger. Click here for part one.

------

The air was still.

The ocean's waves had even stopped rolling.

This was a full-fledged, man vs. nature stand-off.

The snake made the first move, slithering a foot closer to the prize- a backpack with my keys in it. I surveyed the rocky terrain. There were no sticks within reach. What a lame way to die this would be. Done in by tiny reptile looking to make a home out of a Jansport bag.

The next five minutes flashed before my eyes. I would reach for the bag and the snake would dive at my throat with teeth blazing. The nearest Lifeflight helicopter would be located in either Tillamook or Astoria, 50-miles each in opposite directions. Already woozy from the 2-gallons of venom coursing through my bloodstream, I would frantically claw at the cell phone in my pocket. My fingers would never reach 9 let alone two 1's. The snake, triumphant, would do a victory lap around my corpse before gorging himself on a Cliff Bar in his new digs.

Not eager to prolong the battle, he threw down his trump card. This was no garden-variety gardener snake. It was a gardener snake with a single, tiny foot.



GOOD GOD! I WAS ENGAGED IN A BATTLE TO THE DEATH WITH A ONE-LEGGED SNAKE!

With no weapons at my disposal, alone, on a sunny mountain top, I was now doomed. I stood little chance against a normal, yet obviously extremely lethal, snake. He had kept his appendage hidden behind mountain brush. With a clawed foot (circled above) now at his disposal, he would completely disembowel me in seconds.

Chugging my fear like Cherry Coke, he once again came closer, now revealing three additional feet o' death. The snake wasn't a snake it all. It was some sort of hell spawn salamander/gecko thing.

Now dying from a snake bite is one thing but death-by-gecko is downright pathetic. There was no way I was going to be done in by some tiny, insurance-peddling punk. Summoning up a forgotten batch of courage, I leapt up and snatched the bag with a quick swing. Shocked at my sudden, cheetah-like reflexes, the snake/salamander/whatever fled behind the nearest rock.




Drunk on victory, I struggled to think of a snappy line from Predator. All that came to mind was, "this stuff will make you a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus" and that didn't really apply here. My enemy, already long gone, wouldn't have heard it anyway.

The moral of this story? Keep your enemies close but your iPod closer. No, wait, keep your iPod close but your enemies as far away as possible.

Comments: Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]



Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home


SEARCH THIS BLOG? SURE, NO PROBLEMO, AS BART SIMPSON USED TO SAY....





www.flickr.com




-archives-

  • October 2003
  • November 2003
  • December 2003
  • January 2004
  • February 2004
  • March 2004
  • April 2004
  • May 2004
  • June 2004
  • July 2004
  • August 2004
  • September 2004
  • October 2004
  • November 2004
  • December 2004
  • January 2005
  • February 2005
  • March 2005
  • April 2005
  • May 2005
  • June 2005
  • July 2005
  • August 2005
  • September 2005
  • October 2005
  • November 2005
  • December 2005
  • January 2006
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • May 2006
  • June 2006
  • July 2006
  • August 2006
  • September 2006
  • October 2006
  • November 2006
  • December 2006
  • January 2007
  • February 2007
  • March 2007
  • April 2007
  • May 2007
  • June 2007
  • July 2007
  • August 2007
  • September 2007
  • October 2007
  • November 2007
  • December 2007
  • January 2008
  • February 2008
  • March 2008
  • April 2008
  • May 2008
  • June 2008
  • July 2008
  • August 2008
  • September 2008
  • October 2008
  • November 2008
  • December 2008
  • January 2009
  • February 2009
  • March 2009
  • April 2009
  • May 2009
  • June 2009
  • July 2009
  • August 2009
  • October 2009
  • November 2009
  • December 2009
  • January 2010
  • February 2010
  • March 2010
  • April 2010
  • August 2010
  • September 2010
  • October 2010
  • November 2010
  • January 2011
  • February 2011
  • March 2011
  • April 2011

  • Clicky Web Analytics


    This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?