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Another Portland Blog

Monday, May 17, 2004

 

Curse those little monsters! !




I come to you today not to rant and rave about the poly-tics of the day like so many other Bloggers. I have something far more important to discuss. It is a subject that affects us all. The matter of which I am speaking, dear readers, is birds. Yes, birds. Flora and fauna, tweeters, hooters...call them what you will. How I despise them.

I don't know when these foul rats of the air began their attack on the fair citizens of Portland. Perhaps it was a far back as the summer of '03. The fact of the matter is this: this city is plagued by what I what I will now forevermore refer to, with great loathing, as "dive bombing birds."

I do love my motorcar and I love to drive around this municipality. So you can understand my distress over these creatures newly-adopted habit of flying past my windshield at top speed for no apparent reason. I imagine them sitting on their perches, waiting patiently for a vehicle to pass by, thinking to themselves, "Fiddly-dee. Oh, what fun it will be to give the next motorist quite a scare."

On a recent trip to my favorite five and dime, no less than three starlings darted out of the thicket to bomb past my vehicle, causing my heart to flutter and several near accidents. What could be their rationale? If their goal is to simply cross the road, why do they wait until the absolute last second? Why must the fly no less than three feet off the ground?

I can only conclude that these birds are either:

A: Enthusiast of what the new generation calls "extreme sports."

B: Assholes.

What I would like to propose is the installation of
Plexiglas walls to line every street in Multnomah County. This would most certainly stop these rotten little creatures and their efforts to make me crash my motorcar.

What's that you say? My idea is preposterous?! HRUMPH! Well, I dare say, dear readers, so is this community's incredibly bizarre fixation on attracting a major league baseball franchise. If City Hall can conjure up $340 million dollars, despite its ongoing financial woes, for what is most certainly the most preposterous of preposterous ideas, surely (surely!) they can spare a few million to stop the bird menace.

Surely!

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