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Wednesday, April 07, 2004
In search of "Guts"
[WARNING: This blog post is rated "R." If you read the following and you're under the age of 17, you'll grow hair on your palms, your spine will go crooked and your brain will turn into corn syrup.]
While I'm on the topic of boobs, I may as well relate this wee suburban adventure. A few weeks ago, I attempted to track down an actual, physical, tangible, print edition copy of Playboy magazine.
This is harder than it might seem. 99% of American porn consumers have evidentially made the jump online. Few are still willing to contend with the thought of their mailman seeing a magazine wrapped in black plastic, let alone walking into a store for one. A little iny-net research reveals that Penthouse is on the verge of bankruptcy and even Playboy, the grand daddy of them all, is having a hard time staying afloat. Skin mags are now as obsolete as Betamax.
Now I wasn't looking for a March issue of Playboy to see all the pretty pictures (honest!). I was actually looking for something that would do far more damage to my spine: "Guts." It's a short story by everybody's favorite sick and twisted local novelist. The story earned a nasty little reputation for causing people to faint during Chuck Palahniuk's last US book tour (more on that later).
I figured a quick trip to 7-11 would get me my story. I waited until late on a weeknight to avoid any patronizing looks from other convenience store patrons. The one closest to my house was vacant. I wandered around the store and looked in all the obvious places. If this place was selling Playboys, they must have had them locked in the safe.
Having already spent five minutes perusing the aisles of this 7-11, I was clearly freaking out the clerk, especially with my sneaky attempts to get a glimpse at what lied behind the counter. Out a weird sense of both guilt and embarrassment, I bought a can of Red Bull and quickly made my escape.
Two cans of Red Bull and one tin of 3-D Doritos later, I still didn't have the magazine. 7-11 has apparently phased their adult entertainment products. I was going to have to double my efforts. If I wanted "Guts," I was going to have to make the ultimate sacrifice: setting foot inside a Fantasy Adult Video.