Remember that kooky kid that sent me an email last week, convinced I was Chevy Chase? Well, I took the advice of "eatyourdamnpeas" and answered his questions. I wonder what kind of grade he'll get for these.

how long have you been in this career?

Since the autumn of 1936.

did you go to college?

I did two terms at a community college in Ottawa. I took nothing but art classes and a half-term of ping-pong. I flunked out. Who cares? That place was filled with facists, man.

do you have another job?

In my dreams I'm an can-can dancer in a sleazy riverboat casino. I dance for old men dragging oxygen tanks. Does that count?

do you have any role models?

Just one. Bill Keane. He is an inspiration to us all.

who inspired you to become a comedian?

Quite a number of a people, actually. Benito Mussolini. Pol Pot. Joseph Stalin. Mao Zedong. John F. Kennedy. Oh, and Lenny Bruce, I guess.

do you like being a comedian?

Who said I was still a comedian? Didn't you see Cops and Robbersons?

if you werent a comedian what would you be?

Gerald Ford. Or a shark.

PS: This interview will cost you $50. Please send it to the following address:

1060 West Addison.
Chicago, IL 60613