Since Armed Prophet's still down for the count after a mysterious one week absence, Blog has taken it upon himself to fill in with his own special blend of political pontificating.

Matt Drudge may have discovered another Monica bombshell. As posted on the Drudge Report today, undisclosed sources are claiming democratic frontrunner John Kerry has a bit of the ol' Billy Clinton charm running through his bloodstream.

A mysterious woman is currently being investigated by just about every news outlet imaginable for her "relationship" with Kerry. According to rumor, she even fled the country at one point to prevent their little secret from being leaked.

While I'm registered as an independent, much like your average Democrat I couldn't care less who takes the nomination, provided they stand a chance at beating George "Asexual Monkey Boy" Bush.

Is Kerry really the best candidate? I don't think so, mostly for frivolous reasons that, nevertheless, have the power to swing elections. First, he's from the north and southerners tend to vote for whatever side hails from below the Mason-Dixon line. His weak stance on national defense will only serve to further alienate middle America. Plus, as Bill Mahr is quick to point out, he looks like one of the talking trees from The Wizard of Oz.

John Edwards seems like the obvious choice. He hails from a small town in South Carolina and has the haircut of a Kennedy. And he has yet to have his picture taken with Jane Fonda.

As far as poo-tang goes, there really is no end to the double standard. GW's brother Neil (now under suspicion for insider trading), found himself in the middle of a nasty divorce last year. The reason why? He was caught in a hotel room with two Asian hookers. Here's an excerpt from the subsequent legal proceedings:

ATTORNEY: Mr. Bush, you have to admit it's a pretty remarkable thing for a man just to go to a hotel room door and open it and have a woman standing there and have sex with her.

NEIL BUSH: It was very unusual.

Replace GW with "Bill," "Neil" with "Roger" and jump back eight years and this all would provide endless fodder for Conan O'Brien. The big question here? Why can Republicans get away with infidelities that would make even Bill Clinton blush? Clinton was almost crucified for his Oval Office affair but little became of Arnie's endless extramarital shenanigans.

As of 4:30 PST, the big news outlets have yet to go near Drudge's allegations. If the suspicions surrounding Kerry are confirmed, he could find himself banished to the same political trash heap as Dean. Even if they aren't, Fox News and all the others will be like sharks in feeding frenzy over a drop of blood (well, in this case, a few drops of something else entirely). While Republicans may be willing to overlook the indiscretions of Arnold "Eating Ain't Cheating" Schwarzenegger, they'll have a field day with this one.

You hear that laughter? That's Europe. Get used to it.