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Friday, February 27, 2004
It's Official, '00s "Suck Way More" Than the '80s
In a study that will surprise few, Robert Ivans, a representative from the American Institute of Sucktitude, announced today that this decade "sucks way more" than the 1980s. In a six month long examination focused on the climate of American politics, culture and "overall suckiness," the group determined that the US is in a worse condition than it was during the Reagan years.
"The 21st Century began with Y2K, the California power crisis and Bush conning his way into the White House," Ivans explained in a press conference Wednesday. "After that, we were hit with 9/11, the War(s) Against Afghanistan, Iraq and Terror, the Patriot Act, the Recession, the Columbia disaster, thousands of accusations of sexual abuse against the priesthood, that one summer when the sharks attacked all those people in Florida and at least two albums by System of a Down."
Pointing to the likes of the Kobe Bryant trail and the Halliburton scandal, Ivans compared them to notorious events that marked the '80s. "Oliver North? Debbie Gibson? They've got nothing on Dick Cheney and Britney Spears." Further speculating, the representative explained, "National politics suck. The economy sucks. Music sucks. Everything sucks!"
When asked what finally pushed the '00s past the '80s, Ivans remarked, "the fallout over Janet's boob and the FCC's ensuing witch hunt. Stern rules!"
"It's amazing and troubling that we surpassed the '80s in just four short years," he explained. " The '90s rawked. It's like that one scene in Boogie Nights when the guy blows his head off and it cuts to 'The '80s.'"
The institute's' forecast for the rest of the decade were dire. "If we keep going at this rate, we'll probably top the '50s by 2006."
-If this rips off an already existing Onion article, I apologize in advance.