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Another Portland Blog

Friday, January 16, 2004


You could be, the most [dangerous song] in the world

And now a story that you just might lose sleep over. Why am I putting here for all the world to see? Because it's too weird not to share.

Last week, I was mercilessly stealing an album off of Soulseek. Why? Because I obviously hate my favorite artists and won't be happy until they're living in the streets with the roaches. I received a strange message from the person I was downloading it from.

OTHER USER: You NEED to download this album.

Just like that. No explanation. I tried writing back but didn't receive a response. Like a fool, I went along with this mysterious demand. What I wound up with was Cool and Strange Magazine's Thrift Store Compilation.

I used to volunteer at college radio station and I've always had an appetite for kooky music from bygone eras. The comp is like the weirder, more mean-spirited nephew of Incredibly Strange Music. Most of the stuff on it comes from gospel records and live recordings from '60s NYC nightclub acts. There's tracks like "Christian Cowboy," a WW2 propaganda track called "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Syphilis" and "Kitten on the Keys," which is a commercial for an organ company that sounds like it was put together during the Truman administration. For the most part it's kitschy and harmless. Then there's a certain song towards the end.

I'll stop here for a DISCLAIMER. If you're at all sensitive about abortion rights or religion, you should Stop Reading This Now. If you've got a strong stomach for these things, by all means, keep going but don't say I didn't warn you.

I sent this mp3 to a friend to see how they would respond to it. This is the sort of person, to my knowledge, has never, ever been offended by anything, ever. Not only was he not amused by the mp3, he was angry. He was shocked that I would have something like this in my possession. We argued for almost an hour about it.

I did a lil' internet research about the artist responsible for the track. What turned up was a surprising number of webpages devoted to him. Here's one review of his only album:

There's no photos or credits anywhere on this album. Just the sickly drawing on the cover and a list of song titles. As far as bizarre Christian LPs, I gotta say, this is this most extreme thing I've ever heard. It's some full grown man with a munchkin voice, singing terrifying songs about drug use, abortion and being a fat kid and each filled me with a profound sense of dread, horror, and disgust. This really, truly scared me the first couple times I played it, and I haven't played it since.

That's a pretty apt description. The track off the Cool and Strange Comp is called "Diary of an Unborn Child." Here's a sample from the chorus:

Why did you kill me, mommy?
God made me special for you
I only wanted to see you
and put my little arms around you

Further searches for the comp turned up no results. There's also no mention of it on Cool and Strange's website. Could they have disowned the album because of this track? Mayhaps.

So you think this is much ado about nothing? Well, you'd instantaneously change your mind if you heard it. I've got a pitch black sense of humor, have a copy of the Kids of Widney High in my collection and even I think it's evil and creepy. It's pretty nightmarish to think that there's something like this floating around out there.

Now that you've heard about it, you're probably eager to hear the track and see what all the fuss is about. This is the way people usually respond after hearing about something like this. With a little effort, you can probably find a copy. But trust me. You don't want to. "Diary of an Unborn Child" is probably God's way of punishing people who steal music off the internet.

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