It is now 6 PM on the West Coast and here in Portland a legion of lucky geeks are packed into Lloyd Cinemas. It's the only theater in Portland that's hosting Trilogy Tuesday. The Pixie Stick addicted fifth grader in me is screaming for blood for not being there with them. Those in attendance will be viewing Return of the King a full 72 hours before I'll get a chance to see it. Not only will I miss out on the marathon, I won't be at any of tonight's midnight shows around town. Fawk.

While I rot in a stew of bitterness here in my cubicle, my mind has wandered back to a night not long ago. Without thinking out the logistics, I bought the cardboard stand-up of Legolas the elf (seen above) for my kid sister (it's for Xmas. Honest!) at Pike Place Market. After every staff member of Golden Age Collectibles offered no less than three gay jokes, I had to haul the thing through the clogged downtown streets of Seattle.

Countless stares and snickers were dispensed. At one point, a scrawny blonde teenager leaned out the window of a passing Honda and yelled "HEY! LOOK AT HIM! HE'S GOT THE ELF!! WHAT A FAG! HA! HA! HA!"

What can we all learn from all this:

1. They should put these things in boxes instead of clear cellophane.

2. There's a reason why God created gift certificates.

3. Adulthood sucks harder than a starving leech on a fat man's belly.

There is also this.